At the end of September, I had surgery to remove fibroids. I asked my mother to come and be with me as I recovered. My mother did not raise me, and our relationship has been pretty up and down over the course of my life. I thought it would be an opportunity for us to relate as mother and daughter.
My mother not raising me had a profound impact on my life and deeply impacted my feelings of self-worth. In short, I suffered from feelings of abandonment and rejection. When I was younger, I used to have an internal dialogue about my being unlovable. My mother not wanting/loving me was the only proof that I needed. During those conversations, another voice would enter that simply said, “God loved me.”
Even though I knew God’s love was the end all, I spent years looking for love. I desperately sought this seemingly elusive word called love. My friend Billie Washington once told me that God was going to send me love. I remember her words made me cry and were pivotal. God has sent me love. “...Pressed down, and shaken together, and running over…” love. I’m loved to the point that I’m spoiled, which is okay (smile and laugh).
During the time with my mom, I discovered that my mom does love me. Her visit ended up being a wonderful family reunion. I was reunited with cousins who live in the Seattle area who I had not seen or talked to in YEARS. I was reunited with the aunt that raised me who I had not seen or talked to in YEARS. I discovered that my family does love me. It was a great experience, and my family underwent healing. I parallel the recovery I went through after surgery with the recovery that is happening within my family.
Over the course of years, I had something growing inside of me naturally that I didn’t even know was there. It was only when the growth got so uncomfortable that I couldn’t ignore the impact that it had on my life that I took action. I learned that the fibroids were located in a place where they could block conception when it was time for me to try to have a child. If I had gotten pregnant, there would have been complications because the baby would have been unable to grow properly.
In the same way, the bitterness and anger I felt towards my family was blocking the spiritual gifts God would have me birth. Both issues, natural and spiritual, needed the hands of a trained surgeon to remove what was blocking conception and hindering a safe place for a gift to grow.
What does God need to surgically remove from you? Life is too short to hold on to grudges and to hold on to past offenses. The Master Surgeon is ready to perform a surgery of miracles on you. The Church is filled with trained nurses and staff to assist with the surgery and shower you with love and attention as you recover.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
It's Not About Me?
I’ve long suspected that I am a spoiled brat, and I have recently concluded that the statement is TRUE!
A man I used to “talk to” always called me “The Brat”. My response was always along the lines that it was not my fault people spoiled me.
Recently, I was denied something I really, really, really wanted. I was more than disappointed that I didn’t get it. I was traumatized and felt a host of negative emotions. The saddest part in my saying all this is that I was not grateful to what I received. As a matter of fact, I lost sight of the fact that I am truly a blessed person.
It was not my finest hour, and I think of this song we sing at my church that says, “Grateful, grateful, gratefulness is flowing from my heart.” Um, yeah, it was not.
The women’s group at my church is reading the Purpose Driven Life together. We started today with day one. And what does day one tell me. It says, “It’s not about me.” Timing is everything, and unfortunately I am in much need of being reminded of that simple revelation.
I do wonder when I get caught up in my wants, desires, longings, etc. that I forgot it’s not about me. It’s about reaching out to the loss and providing for those in need. I have more than I need, and the fact that I want more is a poor reflection of who I am right now.
A man I used to “talk to” always called me “The Brat”. My response was always along the lines that it was not my fault people spoiled me.
Recently, I was denied something I really, really, really wanted. I was more than disappointed that I didn’t get it. I was traumatized and felt a host of negative emotions. The saddest part in my saying all this is that I was not grateful to what I received. As a matter of fact, I lost sight of the fact that I am truly a blessed person.
It was not my finest hour, and I think of this song we sing at my church that says, “Grateful, grateful, gratefulness is flowing from my heart.” Um, yeah, it was not.
The women’s group at my church is reading the Purpose Driven Life together. We started today with day one. And what does day one tell me. It says, “It’s not about me.” Timing is everything, and unfortunately I am in much need of being reminded of that simple revelation.
I do wonder when I get caught up in my wants, desires, longings, etc. that I forgot it’s not about me. It’s about reaching out to the loss and providing for those in need. I have more than I need, and the fact that I want more is a poor reflection of who I am right now.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
On the Ledge
So, I spent most of this week on the ledge. Luckily, I was able to talk to my pastor and his wife – who are like parents to me – before I jumped or acted irrational.
In the end, what put me up there is trivial and small, but I had a major reaction towards it. In the end that is okay, but I realize now that this problem like any other probably is only as big (or small) as I make it.
No worries, I’m off the ledge.
In the end, what put me up there is trivial and small, but I had a major reaction towards it. In the end that is okay, but I realize now that this problem like any other probably is only as big (or small) as I make it.
No worries, I’m off the ledge.
I Believe That Children are Our Future
The children in my life are absolutely amazing. Even though I openly refer to a few of them (affectionately) as “birth control, I’m learning many things from them.
First of all, I am amazed how honest and open children are. It’s actually refreshing. With adults, it’s sometimes hard to gage the truth. With children, they are direct and to the point. I never have to question where I stand with them. I wonder at what age we lose this natural honesty.
I am also struck that the biggest gift I can give a child is my time. This is the one thing they want, yet the thing that is hardest for me to do. I could go out and spend hundreds of dollars on a gift, but the gift that really goes over well is a gift that leads me to spend time with the child.
I was reminded of this last Sunday where there were two birthday parties to attend – ahem, next year lets combine the parties – but I was struck that my presence alone was the real gift to the child. The icing on the cake was my actually engaging in the gift with them. When this is not a profound revelation, I was reminded again of it.
I pledge to spend more time with the kids in my life. They deserve it, and in the end, they edify me in ways they may not even realize. They ask questions that make me think, and they challenge me to look past my own desires and wants, which is no small feat.
First of all, I am amazed how honest and open children are. It’s actually refreshing. With adults, it’s sometimes hard to gage the truth. With children, they are direct and to the point. I never have to question where I stand with them. I wonder at what age we lose this natural honesty.
I am also struck that the biggest gift I can give a child is my time. This is the one thing they want, yet the thing that is hardest for me to do. I could go out and spend hundreds of dollars on a gift, but the gift that really goes over well is a gift that leads me to spend time with the child.
I was reminded of this last Sunday where there were two birthday parties to attend – ahem, next year lets combine the parties – but I was struck that my presence alone was the real gift to the child. The icing on the cake was my actually engaging in the gift with them. When this is not a profound revelation, I was reminded again of it.
I pledge to spend more time with the kids in my life. They deserve it, and in the end, they edify me in ways they may not even realize. They ask questions that make me think, and they challenge me to look past my own desires and wants, which is no small feat.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Letting Go
I awoke this morning with two sets of thoughts. This is the second.
I tend to hold myself back. This is true in a lot of areas. I pledge to open myself and simply just let go.
I remember when I was in college. I invited a gentleman I liked over. During the course of the evening, he read my poetry. When he read some of my poems, he gave me the realest, honest, helpful assessment about my poems. This is an assessment my PhD-laden professors never gave me.
His assessment was simply: You hold yourself back.
What he meant was that the poetry would start out powerful and open, but in the end, I would shy away from the honesty and openness that led the reader in.
Part of the problem is that I tend to be miles away from where I am. My mind is in a constant state of motion, which actually is not a bad thing, but sometimes the voices need to be silenced.
Another part of the problem is that I tend to sit back and absorb what is going on around me, which is actually not a bad thing either, but at some place in time I must engage.
I am going to learn to let go. I am going to learn to be honest and open in my writing and life even if that openness leads to being vulnerable.
I’m wide open. LOL!
I tend to hold myself back. This is true in a lot of areas. I pledge to open myself and simply just let go.
I remember when I was in college. I invited a gentleman I liked over. During the course of the evening, he read my poetry. When he read some of my poems, he gave me the realest, honest, helpful assessment about my poems. This is an assessment my PhD-laden professors never gave me.
His assessment was simply: You hold yourself back.
What he meant was that the poetry would start out powerful and open, but in the end, I would shy away from the honesty and openness that led the reader in.
Part of the problem is that I tend to be miles away from where I am. My mind is in a constant state of motion, which actually is not a bad thing, but sometimes the voices need to be silenced.
Another part of the problem is that I tend to sit back and absorb what is going on around me, which is actually not a bad thing either, but at some place in time I must engage.
I am going to learn to let go. I am going to learn to be honest and open in my writing and life even if that openness leads to being vulnerable.
I’m wide open. LOL!
Great Expectations
When I was in first grade, my family moved mid-way through the year. Before that, I went to a school called Larsen Heights. My teacher was the dreaded Mrs. Zingler (question on spelling). To put it mildly, I did not excel in her class. By the time we moved, Mrs. Z. had already decided I should be held back another year.
But the family moved. The sad thing is that I don’t remember my next teacher’s name. What I do remember is that he immediately labeled me as “smart”, and I remember I excelled in his class. From that point on, it was A’s and B’s for me throughout my tenure as a student in the Moses Lake School District.
If memory serves correctly, he fought Mrs. Z.’s assessment that I should be held back, and I was not. From that point forward, all my teachers expected me to perform well, and I responded well to that expectation. This has held true in my life. There have been times in my life were I achieved the impossible due to the voices around me telling me I could.
I remember a few things about MLHS. One, my high school counselor called me into her office to ask me which university I would attend. I suppose I did have a choice, but her expectation led me down that road. I had been planning on applying for university on the west side of the mountain anyway. On a side note, I disappointed her a little. She wanted me to go to Harvard, and she wanted me to at least apply. LOL.
I remember months before I turned 18, I was summoned to the principal’s office. I remember all my classmates were like “O-O, what did you do?” The reason for the summons? They wanted me to register to vote. I have never missed an election since I was eligible to vote. I imagine I would have registered on my own, but again that (my duty to vote) expectation was placed before me.
I say all that to say this, I expect great things from President-elect Obama.
I realize that there are people who do not share my optimism. While I am getting hope-filled emails and texts, there are people who are sending out messages of gloom and doom. I even saw an email that declared that the great U.S.A. was dissolved on 11/04/08. What drama!
What am I getting at? I suppose I am getting at the importance of expectations. Perception is truly a powerful thing. Why not open your mind and heart to expecting something marvelous and divine. Once you are open to it, it will come to past.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, it is my desire for Obama to go down as one of the greatest presidents alive. And, yes, part of that wish is because of my pride in a fellow black person being voted into the highest office in this country. I also wish to negate the nay-sayers and those would seek to belittle and counter the hope that is spreading.
As some of you may know, I am a huge fan of Elizabeth I. At the beginning of her reign, England was one of the poorest, sitting-duck countries in the known world. When she departed the earth, England had entered its Golden Age and was a world power.
My hope and belief of the glory of the future is intense. I expect great things. That, I think, is half the battle.
But the family moved. The sad thing is that I don’t remember my next teacher’s name. What I do remember is that he immediately labeled me as “smart”, and I remember I excelled in his class. From that point on, it was A’s and B’s for me throughout my tenure as a student in the Moses Lake School District.
If memory serves correctly, he fought Mrs. Z.’s assessment that I should be held back, and I was not. From that point forward, all my teachers expected me to perform well, and I responded well to that expectation. This has held true in my life. There have been times in my life were I achieved the impossible due to the voices around me telling me I could.
I remember a few things about MLHS. One, my high school counselor called me into her office to ask me which university I would attend. I suppose I did have a choice, but her expectation led me down that road. I had been planning on applying for university on the west side of the mountain anyway. On a side note, I disappointed her a little. She wanted me to go to Harvard, and she wanted me to at least apply. LOL.
I remember months before I turned 18, I was summoned to the principal’s office. I remember all my classmates were like “O-O, what did you do?” The reason for the summons? They wanted me to register to vote. I have never missed an election since I was eligible to vote. I imagine I would have registered on my own, but again that (my duty to vote) expectation was placed before me.
I say all that to say this, I expect great things from President-elect Obama.
I realize that there are people who do not share my optimism. While I am getting hope-filled emails and texts, there are people who are sending out messages of gloom and doom. I even saw an email that declared that the great U.S.A. was dissolved on 11/04/08. What drama!
What am I getting at? I suppose I am getting at the importance of expectations. Perception is truly a powerful thing. Why not open your mind and heart to expecting something marvelous and divine. Once you are open to it, it will come to past.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, it is my desire for Obama to go down as one of the greatest presidents alive. And, yes, part of that wish is because of my pride in a fellow black person being voted into the highest office in this country. I also wish to negate the nay-sayers and those would seek to belittle and counter the hope that is spreading.
As some of you may know, I am a huge fan of Elizabeth I. At the beginning of her reign, England was one of the poorest, sitting-duck countries in the known world. When she departed the earth, England had entered its Golden Age and was a world power.
My hope and belief of the glory of the future is intense. I expect great things. That, I think, is half the battle.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Message to Barack and "some people"
Message to President-Elect Obama:
I pledge to pray for you.
I pledge to pray for your safety. Individuals with malice and hatred in their heart have spoken negativity into the atmosphere. Let that spirit be bound and come up against. May the angels of heaven encompass around you.
I pledge to pray that history will remember you as one of the greatest presidents of the United States of America. I pray that those people who falsely accused you will acknowledge their slander and acknowledge the achievements you accomplished during your TWO terms in office.
Message to the haters:
Um, stop calling Barack the messiah. The Messiah has already come. There is no need for another.
I'm a little concerned over your motive to refer to him as that, but I will save that for another posting.
Message to the confused:
Stop calling Barack the Moses of our people. If we must use this analogy, we must use it correctly. Remember that Moses did not enter into the Promise Land. It was JOSHUA who led the Children of Israel into the Promise Land. Brush off your Bibles and get the comparison right. Consider MLK Moses, and consider Obama Joshua. I don’t want to see any more Moses references in the news.
I pledge to pray for you.
I pledge to pray for your safety. Individuals with malice and hatred in their heart have spoken negativity into the atmosphere. Let that spirit be bound and come up against. May the angels of heaven encompass around you.
I pledge to pray that history will remember you as one of the greatest presidents of the United States of America. I pray that those people who falsely accused you will acknowledge their slander and acknowledge the achievements you accomplished during your TWO terms in office.
Message to the haters:
Um, stop calling Barack the messiah. The Messiah has already come. There is no need for another.
I'm a little concerned over your motive to refer to him as that, but I will save that for another posting.
Message to the confused:
Stop calling Barack the Moses of our people. If we must use this analogy, we must use it correctly. Remember that Moses did not enter into the Promise Land. It was JOSHUA who led the Children of Israel into the Promise Land. Brush off your Bibles and get the comparison right. Consider MLK Moses, and consider Obama Joshua. I don’t want to see any more Moses references in the news.
Hello
Greetings friends and family! I'm finally getting my blog together. For now, I have posted articles I wrote for my church's newsletter. I will post some of my poetry in the near future. You know a sister has a lot to say. I guess I'll just begin saying it! LOL. Check back often. XOXO
Spiritual Remodel
I’m currently remodeling my condominium. For over a month, I have been living out of boxes. My life and existence seem extremely chaotic right now. I was bemoaning my current existence when it occurred to me how long I comfortably lived in spiritual and mental disorder and chaos.
I began musing on spiritual remodeling. When we accept Christ in our life, we become a new creation, and we are in a constant state of “remodeling.” During this adventure, I have learned that there are standard items that can be bought directly from the store because they fit most homes. Then, there are items that are unique to my home. These items are customized and need to be specially ordered, which takes longer.
I began the project by seeking wise counsel Like Esther, who is featured in this issue, sought the counsel of Mordecai. I sought the counsel of those who knew about remodeling a home. The next step was to work on the timing or schedule for each project. I knew painting would be messy. It seemed like the logical place to start. If my carpet was replaced before painting, I would end up blemishing my new, wood floors.
Painting was easy enough. Although my walls were dirty, I didn’t have to clean them before painting them. When I applied paint to the wall, all traces of the dirt was gone. As we learned in the last issue, the paint covered my walls in the Hebrew word kaphar meaning of the word cover. This means “to cover, appease, pacify, pardon, reconcile, cancel, purge away.” The word translates as “make atonement.”
The other projects will be harder. My old, dirty carpet will need to be ripped up. Not only is this physically demanding, but there were tasks that needed to be completed before the carpet can be removed.
I had to pack all my books and belongings to make them mobile. It was a step I couldn’t get around. During this process, I took the time to really go through my belongings. I was able to purge myself of items that no longer fit my personal style for today and would not fit in my new remodeled home.
In the course of taking an inventory of my life, I found some items I thought I had lost. Some things dropped between the cracks. Other items were just filed in the wrong place. Other items I no longer needed, but I could not bring myself to let them go. Other items I just put away and never dealt with. This exercise served as a good method to do away with the old and make room for the new. Because I have a new color scheme, some of my old things just don’t match anymore.
The project is at the point where I can visually picture the finished project, and it looks good! The energy and resources that are being exerted will increase the value of my home. Each step brings out more and more of the potential that was always there. There are times when I wish I could picture myself as the finished project God has imagined, but perhaps I would spend too much time admiring the finished picture that I wouldn’t do the work to bring it from the spiritual into the natural.
None of us are finished projects. We are all uniquely designed, and God has customized specifications for our blueprints. This Season is a time where the vision for my life is becoming clearer.
I look forward to watching the potential in each of us emerge as we are being spiritually remodeled.
I began musing on spiritual remodeling. When we accept Christ in our life, we become a new creation, and we are in a constant state of “remodeling.” During this adventure, I have learned that there are standard items that can be bought directly from the store because they fit most homes. Then, there are items that are unique to my home. These items are customized and need to be specially ordered, which takes longer.
I began the project by seeking wise counsel Like Esther, who is featured in this issue, sought the counsel of Mordecai. I sought the counsel of those who knew about remodeling a home. The next step was to work on the timing or schedule for each project. I knew painting would be messy. It seemed like the logical place to start. If my carpet was replaced before painting, I would end up blemishing my new, wood floors.
Painting was easy enough. Although my walls were dirty, I didn’t have to clean them before painting them. When I applied paint to the wall, all traces of the dirt was gone. As we learned in the last issue, the paint covered my walls in the Hebrew word kaphar meaning of the word cover. This means “to cover, appease, pacify, pardon, reconcile, cancel, purge away.” The word translates as “make atonement.”
The other projects will be harder. My old, dirty carpet will need to be ripped up. Not only is this physically demanding, but there were tasks that needed to be completed before the carpet can be removed.
I had to pack all my books and belongings to make them mobile. It was a step I couldn’t get around. During this process, I took the time to really go through my belongings. I was able to purge myself of items that no longer fit my personal style for today and would not fit in my new remodeled home.
In the course of taking an inventory of my life, I found some items I thought I had lost. Some things dropped between the cracks. Other items were just filed in the wrong place. Other items I no longer needed, but I could not bring myself to let them go. Other items I just put away and never dealt with. This exercise served as a good method to do away with the old and make room for the new. Because I have a new color scheme, some of my old things just don’t match anymore.
The project is at the point where I can visually picture the finished project, and it looks good! The energy and resources that are being exerted will increase the value of my home. Each step brings out more and more of the potential that was always there. There are times when I wish I could picture myself as the finished project God has imagined, but perhaps I would spend too much time admiring the finished picture that I wouldn’t do the work to bring it from the spiritual into the natural.
None of us are finished projects. We are all uniquely designed, and God has customized specifications for our blueprints. This Season is a time where the vision for my life is becoming clearer.
I look forward to watching the potential in each of us emerge as we are being spiritually remodeled.
Flights of Fancy
I have an extremely overactive imagination. God made me a writer, and it appears the gift comes with a side of drama and an extremely rich inner life.
An example of my over-the-top imagination occurred during a flight to Houston in April. The plane went through extreme turbulence, and it occurred to my overactive imagination that this could be the end.
After accepting my fate, I prepared myself for the end. My recent fascination with Elizabeth I, England’s Virgin Queen, led me to decide my last thoughts would be, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.”
Of course I did not die, but the words led to more thinking. Whenever unpleasant situations happen in my life, I woefully decree, “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed is the Name of the Lord.”
In truth, the decree has nothing to do with celebrating God’s omniscient will over my life. It has more to do with me wallowing in self pity. But, what if my response to the good, the bad, and the ugly events in my life was, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” It would certainly change my reaction and brooding—I mean musing.
Second Corinthians 10: 5 reads, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
This scripture is especially important when my desire takes my imagination in areas it should not be in my single state. In truth, up until three years ago, I had a predictable schedule. Every two years for about six years, I would “succumb” to my temptation. Around year four, I recognized the pattern, and year six may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then, while reading Joseph’s story, it hit me. Has God not been too good to me for me to do this sin against Him? This course of thought has helped me thus far in keeping myself, and it can be applied to all areas of my life.
The bottom line is we are bombarded with thoughts and desires that contradict with our faith. I find that it’s human nature to jump to the worst-case scenario. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism. It also seems that we desire everything we cannot have. In fact, it seems we desire everything but what we have.
Regardless of our temptations and desires, God has been too good to us for us to sin against Him! Regardless of whether the devil “sent” the sin or your desire “conjured it up,” God is faithful and just to keep you.
An example of my over-the-top imagination occurred during a flight to Houston in April. The plane went through extreme turbulence, and it occurred to my overactive imagination that this could be the end.
After accepting my fate, I prepared myself for the end. My recent fascination with Elizabeth I, England’s Virgin Queen, led me to decide my last thoughts would be, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.”
Of course I did not die, but the words led to more thinking. Whenever unpleasant situations happen in my life, I woefully decree, “The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away. Blessed is the Name of the Lord.”
In truth, the decree has nothing to do with celebrating God’s omniscient will over my life. It has more to do with me wallowing in self pity. But, what if my response to the good, the bad, and the ugly events in my life was, “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes.” It would certainly change my reaction and brooding—I mean musing.
Second Corinthians 10: 5 reads, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”
This scripture is especially important when my desire takes my imagination in areas it should not be in my single state. In truth, up until three years ago, I had a predictable schedule. Every two years for about six years, I would “succumb” to my temptation. Around year four, I recognized the pattern, and year six may have been a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then, while reading Joseph’s story, it hit me. Has God not been too good to me for me to do this sin against Him? This course of thought has helped me thus far in keeping myself, and it can be applied to all areas of my life.
The bottom line is we are bombarded with thoughts and desires that contradict with our faith. I find that it’s human nature to jump to the worst-case scenario. Perhaps this is a coping mechanism. It also seems that we desire everything we cannot have. In fact, it seems we desire everything but what we have.
Regardless of our temptations and desires, God has been too good to us for us to sin against Him! Regardless of whether the devil “sent” the sin or your desire “conjured it up,” God is faithful and just to keep you.
A Change is Going to Come
I am ready for change, and I feel change is going to come.
I am not here to endorse any presidential candidate. People should vote based on their own convictions. However, I would like to briefly speak about Barack Obama and his message of change and hope. I was musing on his popularity when the reason behind it hit me. I am convinced that many Americans are drawn to his message because the message of hope and change speaks to what is in the atmosphere. There is a wind of change blowing.
The feeling of needing change and hope began to stir within me two years ago. I went through a period where I was devoid of hope and faith. Obama basically articulated what I have been feeling for some time. I will go so far as to call him a voice crying in the wilderness speaking to our dry bones. Or is that overkill because, in truth, the hurricane of change is coming from God.
We, the people, have felt hopeless for too long and have felt like we were powerless to make a difference or impact change. We have felt like winter would never lift its hold, but spring has begun to emerge. We are embarking into a season of change.
I can look at my life and see fundamental changes in myself. Fundamentally, there is a change in my relationships (with those closest to me), in my expectations of life and myself, in my reactions toward people, in my approach to life, and in my responsibility to my spiritual and physical health.
Yes, change is going to come. The question is are we willing to sacrifice ourselves for change? The message of hope involves the sacrifice of our time, our love, and our resources. The message of hope involves going back to the fundamentals of our faith and Christian basics. It involves going back to our First Love. The message of hope involves streamlining our over-involved, hectic lives in order to reach the one with the love of Christ.
The change allows the Word to be made flesh and dwell among people.
In the words of Albert Camus, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
I am not here to endorse any presidential candidate. People should vote based on their own convictions. However, I would like to briefly speak about Barack Obama and his message of change and hope. I was musing on his popularity when the reason behind it hit me. I am convinced that many Americans are drawn to his message because the message of hope and change speaks to what is in the atmosphere. There is a wind of change blowing.
The feeling of needing change and hope began to stir within me two years ago. I went through a period where I was devoid of hope and faith. Obama basically articulated what I have been feeling for some time. I will go so far as to call him a voice crying in the wilderness speaking to our dry bones. Or is that overkill because, in truth, the hurricane of change is coming from God.
We, the people, have felt hopeless for too long and have felt like we were powerless to make a difference or impact change. We have felt like winter would never lift its hold, but spring has begun to emerge. We are embarking into a season of change.
I can look at my life and see fundamental changes in myself. Fundamentally, there is a change in my relationships (with those closest to me), in my expectations of life and myself, in my reactions toward people, in my approach to life, and in my responsibility to my spiritual and physical health.
Yes, change is going to come. The question is are we willing to sacrifice ourselves for change? The message of hope involves the sacrifice of our time, our love, and our resources. The message of hope involves going back to the fundamentals of our faith and Christian basics. It involves going back to our First Love. The message of hope involves streamlining our over-involved, hectic lives in order to reach the one with the love of Christ.
The change allows the Word to be made flesh and dwell among people.
In the words of Albert Camus, “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
Servant's Heart
In Acts 10, Peter makes the statement, “God is no respecter of persons.” While God is not a respecter of persons, I recently realized I am.
This revelation came seemingly out of nowhere and pierced me deeply. The event that birthed this truth happened while I was ushering.
I had always considered myself a servant, but I must admit that there were certain personalities that always challenged me. I must also admit that most of the time this challenge had more to do with issues in me than them as individuals. There was that 5% of the population that I did not want to serve. God challenged my 5%.
I actually feel great about this revelation. I count it an honor that God would see fit to chastise one so unworthy as myself. I turned directly to Hebrews 12:5-8, which reads, "And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons."
In 2007, I had to truthfully answer the question, Am I ready for the responsibility and tests that come with the prayer for a servant’s heart?
As I enter 2008, my prayer is that God gives me a true servant’s heart.
The number eight is significant as it represents new beginnings. The number seven represented completion. Let us all make sure we have completed the assignments God gave us to prepare us for our new beginnings.
A servant’s heart is not just important for ushers. A servant’s heart is important for each person claiming the name of Jesus Christ.
God is preparing His church. In what areas is God chastising you? What is the 5% you are holding back? God is going to challenge it. These are the areas you need to develop. This development will propel you straight into your God-given destiny.
On behalf of PCC Women’s Scroll staff, I wish you a prosperous and blessed 2008. We are excited to be entering our seventh year, and we ask you to pray for this ministry.
This revelation came seemingly out of nowhere and pierced me deeply. The event that birthed this truth happened while I was ushering.
I had always considered myself a servant, but I must admit that there were certain personalities that always challenged me. I must also admit that most of the time this challenge had more to do with issues in me than them as individuals. There was that 5% of the population that I did not want to serve. God challenged my 5%.
I actually feel great about this revelation. I count it an honor that God would see fit to chastise one so unworthy as myself. I turned directly to Hebrews 12:5-8, which reads, "And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons."
In 2007, I had to truthfully answer the question, Am I ready for the responsibility and tests that come with the prayer for a servant’s heart?
As I enter 2008, my prayer is that God gives me a true servant’s heart.
The number eight is significant as it represents new beginnings. The number seven represented completion. Let us all make sure we have completed the assignments God gave us to prepare us for our new beginnings.
A servant’s heart is not just important for ushers. A servant’s heart is important for each person claiming the name of Jesus Christ.
God is preparing His church. In what areas is God chastising you? What is the 5% you are holding back? God is going to challenge it. These are the areas you need to develop. This development will propel you straight into your God-given destiny.
On behalf of PCC Women’s Scroll staff, I wish you a prosperous and blessed 2008. We are excited to be entering our seventh year, and we ask you to pray for this ministry.
Who am I at War With?
Psalm 62 is one of my favorite Psalms. But, how does one make the leap from verse two to verse six?
Verse two reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.” Verse six reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved.”
I can only imagine the state of my world if I were not moved by work, relationships, feelings, my drama, and my seemingly unshakeable pattern of flirting with dangerous / unhealthy situations.
There are situations where I honestly feel I have the “right” to feel bitterness, hatred, anger, disillusionment, and animosity. I have to remind myself that is not the point.
There are times when I am on top of the world. Verse six is within my reach, but here comes life. I come tumbling down the mountain and into the valley.
Recently, Minister Terry spoke from the topic “Do you know what you are fighting for?” As I listened to the message, I jotted down some thoughts.
There are times I feel as if I am at war. I am at war with situations, and I am at war with people.
In truth, I am at war. I’m just not exerting my energy towards the correct enemy.
I end up fighting the situations. I end up fighting the people. I end up exhausting myself.
Because I never fight the real enemy, I never fight the real issues.
I end up not acknowledging or following the war plan. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
We are at war together fighting a common enemy. What sense does it make that we fight each other? Wouldn’t it make more sense to stand together as brothers and sisters in Christ and fight the real enemy?
As we enter the last months of 2007, I invite us all to take an inventory of what is moving us. What is our attention focused on? What is causing us stress, worry, and anxiety?
Who we are fighting? Who are we fighting with? What exactly are we fighting for?
The battle plans are drawn out. All you have to do is prepare for your position.
Verse two reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved.” Verse six reads, “He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved.”
I can only imagine the state of my world if I were not moved by work, relationships, feelings, my drama, and my seemingly unshakeable pattern of flirting with dangerous / unhealthy situations.
There are situations where I honestly feel I have the “right” to feel bitterness, hatred, anger, disillusionment, and animosity. I have to remind myself that is not the point.
There are times when I am on top of the world. Verse six is within my reach, but here comes life. I come tumbling down the mountain and into the valley.
Recently, Minister Terry spoke from the topic “Do you know what you are fighting for?” As I listened to the message, I jotted down some thoughts.
There are times I feel as if I am at war. I am at war with situations, and I am at war with people.
In truth, I am at war. I’m just not exerting my energy towards the correct enemy.
I end up fighting the situations. I end up fighting the people. I end up exhausting myself.
Because I never fight the real enemy, I never fight the real issues.
I end up not acknowledging or following the war plan. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
We are at war together fighting a common enemy. What sense does it make that we fight each other? Wouldn’t it make more sense to stand together as brothers and sisters in Christ and fight the real enemy?
As we enter the last months of 2007, I invite us all to take an inventory of what is moving us. What is our attention focused on? What is causing us stress, worry, and anxiety?
Who we are fighting? Who are we fighting with? What exactly are we fighting for?
The battle plans are drawn out. All you have to do is prepare for your position.
Dreams
I dream a lot. I daydream a lot as well.
There are recurring themes in the dreams. Buses—Missed Buses. Classes—Missed Classes. Forgotten Tests. Whales.
In my dreams, I search and long for something.
I am never where I should be. I should be in class or work, but I am wandering.
I am in class, but I forgot to study for a final.
I am running for a bus that pulls away right before I get there.
In the recent past, I dreamt I was pregnant. I remember that I did not want this baby, and I remember thinking I cannot and will not have this baby.
I then dreamt that I had an abortion. I went through a mourning process.
A week ago, I dreamt the abortion dream again. The dream was so heavy. When I woke up, I had to remind myself that it was a dream (This may have been part of the dream). I felt grief, guilt, and a heaviness that I couldn’t shake.
I had questions about the dreams. Was God planting compassion in me to minister to women who have had abortions?
Was this God’s way of telling me that I had let a gift or responsibility die?
I’m leaning toward the latter. I didn’t want the baby. The baby would interfere with my life and my plans.
If I had recognized the blessing of the baby in my womb, I would have rejoiced at the wonder of the gift that was given.
The baby was not my baby. The baby was our baby.
There are so many talents, gifts, ideas, and compassions seeded in all of us. Will we cherish (want), cultivate, and birth these ideas? Or will the seeds go along the wayside and be choked out by life?
We are close to the harvest season. Fall is upon us, and it is time for the fruits of our labor to be reaped (birthed) for consumption and use during the winter that will follow.
There are recurring themes in the dreams. Buses—Missed Buses. Classes—Missed Classes. Forgotten Tests. Whales.
In my dreams, I search and long for something.
I am never where I should be. I should be in class or work, but I am wandering.
I am in class, but I forgot to study for a final.
I am running for a bus that pulls away right before I get there.
In the recent past, I dreamt I was pregnant. I remember that I did not want this baby, and I remember thinking I cannot and will not have this baby.
I then dreamt that I had an abortion. I went through a mourning process.
A week ago, I dreamt the abortion dream again. The dream was so heavy. When I woke up, I had to remind myself that it was a dream (This may have been part of the dream). I felt grief, guilt, and a heaviness that I couldn’t shake.
I had questions about the dreams. Was God planting compassion in me to minister to women who have had abortions?
Was this God’s way of telling me that I had let a gift or responsibility die?
I’m leaning toward the latter. I didn’t want the baby. The baby would interfere with my life and my plans.
If I had recognized the blessing of the baby in my womb, I would have rejoiced at the wonder of the gift that was given.
The baby was not my baby. The baby was our baby.
There are so many talents, gifts, ideas, and compassions seeded in all of us. Will we cherish (want), cultivate, and birth these ideas? Or will the seeds go along the wayside and be choked out by life?
We are close to the harvest season. Fall is upon us, and it is time for the fruits of our labor to be reaped (birthed) for consumption and use during the winter that will follow.
What's in a Name?
I find irony in the following fact about the spelling of my first name. My mother named me LaTonia. The State of Mississippi named me LaTonla. The aunt that raised me named me LaTonja. To go further, technically my last name is not Brown. My father’s last name is Harris. Not only was I never given the right name; I was never told who I truly am. My name is LaTonia Harris, not LaTonja Brown. Yet I still continue to go by the wrong name. Is there any irony in that? No wonder I’m confused.
Why is there all this drama over a name?
We live in a society that tries to define us by our race, our gender, our occupation, or our economic status. The list of labels is exhaustive. The list has nothing to do with who we truly are, but people try to make it about our name.
I see red when I pass by a group of children and hear something along the following: “What’s happening, nigga.” Or, “Nigga, you should have seen it.” I want to stop, shake them, and say, “Is his name nigga. Because, if it is not, you are doing him a grave injustice to refer to him something other than his given name.”
But, how do we put aside the wrong identities we have picked up over time? How do we become who we were born to be?
I had the most disconcerting experience recently. I realized that as I moved between groups of people, my ability to be free was compromised. How can I be seen in different ways in different groups? I had to ask myself how each group defined me. Is community defined by people who see you as you truly are and bring out the best of you in a healthy relationship?
I often want to ask people, “Do you see the real me?” The question is bolded, underlined, capitalized, and any other formatting I can do to help people hear the urgency of the question. I have been with people who I am not sure even really like me or approve of me. In fact, deep down, I know they don’t. How can they accept me when they don’t like or approve of me? It is the strangest experience to not feel safe in spaces that are supposed to be places of refuge. Is there a point when I stop celebrating peoples’ lives that don’t celebrate me?
The best example of seeking the wrong community is when my sister died almost ten years ago. The people I sought solace from were not people who truly cared for me. The sad thing is that I never sought solace from people who I knew were concerned about my welfare and mental state.
As we begin to understand ourselves better, what happens to those relationships that don’t match who we are supposed to be? In other words, how does embracing who we are impact our current relationships?
Do we see people as they truly are and give them the freedom to be so? As we grow, do we seek places and groups that can fill the new wineskin? What if you feel like you are in places you shouldn’t be or you have long outgrown comfortable relationships? But, there is that comfort. That comfort often leads us to resurrect dead relationships where the name you had is not the name you are striving to be.
My name is a feminine form of the Latin name Anthony. It is interpreted worthy to be praised or beyond praise. I am not LaTonja the (mean) usher. I am not LaTonja a black, single woman. I will no longer adhere to the limits and constraints found in these labels. I will no longer be torn in two; I will live out that I am born to be (and I may need a little help in getting there).
Do not let where, what, or who you have been continue to define you. Let God redefine you. Enter a spring of your life as a young plant rooted firmly with its shafts finding their way to the surface. Step out of the shadow and live what you were born to be. Allow your name change to occur. Remember Jacob, the supplanter, became Israel; Abram became Abraham; Sarai became Sarah; Simon Barjona became Peter; and Saul became Paul.
There is a moment of great revelation where you can freely say, “Here am I; send me.”
Why is there all this drama over a name?
We live in a society that tries to define us by our race, our gender, our occupation, or our economic status. The list of labels is exhaustive. The list has nothing to do with who we truly are, but people try to make it about our name.
I see red when I pass by a group of children and hear something along the following: “What’s happening, nigga.” Or, “Nigga, you should have seen it.” I want to stop, shake them, and say, “Is his name nigga. Because, if it is not, you are doing him a grave injustice to refer to him something other than his given name.”
But, how do we put aside the wrong identities we have picked up over time? How do we become who we were born to be?
I had the most disconcerting experience recently. I realized that as I moved between groups of people, my ability to be free was compromised. How can I be seen in different ways in different groups? I had to ask myself how each group defined me. Is community defined by people who see you as you truly are and bring out the best of you in a healthy relationship?
I often want to ask people, “Do you see the real me?” The question is bolded, underlined, capitalized, and any other formatting I can do to help people hear the urgency of the question. I have been with people who I am not sure even really like me or approve of me. In fact, deep down, I know they don’t. How can they accept me when they don’t like or approve of me? It is the strangest experience to not feel safe in spaces that are supposed to be places of refuge. Is there a point when I stop celebrating peoples’ lives that don’t celebrate me?
The best example of seeking the wrong community is when my sister died almost ten years ago. The people I sought solace from were not people who truly cared for me. The sad thing is that I never sought solace from people who I knew were concerned about my welfare and mental state.
As we begin to understand ourselves better, what happens to those relationships that don’t match who we are supposed to be? In other words, how does embracing who we are impact our current relationships?
Do we see people as they truly are and give them the freedom to be so? As we grow, do we seek places and groups that can fill the new wineskin? What if you feel like you are in places you shouldn’t be or you have long outgrown comfortable relationships? But, there is that comfort. That comfort often leads us to resurrect dead relationships where the name you had is not the name you are striving to be.
My name is a feminine form of the Latin name Anthony. It is interpreted worthy to be praised or beyond praise. I am not LaTonja the (mean) usher. I am not LaTonja a black, single woman. I will no longer adhere to the limits and constraints found in these labels. I will no longer be torn in two; I will live out that I am born to be (and I may need a little help in getting there).
Do not let where, what, or who you have been continue to define you. Let God redefine you. Enter a spring of your life as a young plant rooted firmly with its shafts finding their way to the surface. Step out of the shadow and live what you were born to be. Allow your name change to occur. Remember Jacob, the supplanter, became Israel; Abram became Abraham; Sarai became Sarah; Simon Barjona became Peter; and Saul became Paul.
There is a moment of great revelation where you can freely say, “Here am I; send me.”
The Last Debate
Towards the end of the movie version of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, there is a Last Debate. The Debate is whether hundreds of Men should engage in battle against thousands of Orcs. During this scene, the dwarf, Gimli, proclaims, “Certainty of death, small chance of success . . . what're we waiting for?”
I absolutely LOVE this line, but if these were my marching orders, would I engage in battle?
I barely engage in a war where I know the outcome.
With my intellect, I realize there is a “fixed” war. I already know the outcome. God will have victory. I piggyback God’s victory and proclaim I will have victory. It makes me happy. It makes me gleeful. It makes me gloat. It makes me lazy.
It makes me lazy? I am very guilty of taking advantage of this known victory. The main reason is lack of wisdom in processing the significance of this victory.
I have the victory. I am in a “fixed” war. Why do I need to train? Why do I need to condition? In my bedridden states, I can stay under the covers. I can mope. I can withdraw. I can take for granted that God will step in and rescue me. I can have the victory?
I have thoughts of how do I really know what side I am on? How can I be sure? What are the signs that I actually know Him vs. knowing of Him?
I think I am beginning to understand better. This knowledge should not make us lazy. This knowledge should not validate willingly losing a battle here and there because of a won war. This knowledge should propel us into battle. We should confidently engage in war against our enemy because we know that no weapon formed against us will prosper. We must prepare ourselves for battle. Read Ephesians 6:11-18.
In Return of the King, victory could not be achieved by strength of arms. Our victory will never be achieved by strength of arms either— at least not physical strength of arms. “This is the word of the LORD . . . Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.”
As we start a new year, I invite us all to engage in this battle. In truth, whether we choose to engage in battle or not, the war is coming to us. The plan to attack your life is in place, and the units are moving towards you.
Our temptations are coming, but they won’t come from the paths we suspect or are used to. The temptations are coming, and now is not the time to flirt with them.
What are the marching orders for our battle?
Certainty of (everlasting) life, huge chance of success . . . what're we waiting for?
I absolutely LOVE this line, but if these were my marching orders, would I engage in battle?
I barely engage in a war where I know the outcome.
With my intellect, I realize there is a “fixed” war. I already know the outcome. God will have victory. I piggyback God’s victory and proclaim I will have victory. It makes me happy. It makes me gleeful. It makes me gloat. It makes me lazy.
It makes me lazy? I am very guilty of taking advantage of this known victory. The main reason is lack of wisdom in processing the significance of this victory.
I have the victory. I am in a “fixed” war. Why do I need to train? Why do I need to condition? In my bedridden states, I can stay under the covers. I can mope. I can withdraw. I can take for granted that God will step in and rescue me. I can have the victory?
I have thoughts of how do I really know what side I am on? How can I be sure? What are the signs that I actually know Him vs. knowing of Him?
I think I am beginning to understand better. This knowledge should not make us lazy. This knowledge should not validate willingly losing a battle here and there because of a won war. This knowledge should propel us into battle. We should confidently engage in war against our enemy because we know that no weapon formed against us will prosper. We must prepare ourselves for battle. Read Ephesians 6:11-18.
In Return of the King, victory could not be achieved by strength of arms. Our victory will never be achieved by strength of arms either— at least not physical strength of arms. “This is the word of the LORD . . . Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the LORD of hosts.”
As we start a new year, I invite us all to engage in this battle. In truth, whether we choose to engage in battle or not, the war is coming to us. The plan to attack your life is in place, and the units are moving towards you.
Our temptations are coming, but they won’t come from the paths we suspect or are used to. The temptations are coming, and now is not the time to flirt with them.
What are the marching orders for our battle?
Certainty of (everlasting) life, huge chance of success . . . what're we waiting for?
Reflections On India
I feel as if I am going to implode at any second.
I went to India for a month this summer for vacation.
I saw beautiful monuments like the Taj Mahal. I saw beautiful countryside in the north and the south. I ate delicious food. I met wonderful people.
I saw some not so good things. My heart hurt when I saw kids working in fields when they should have been in school. I was deeply disturbed to see families living in tents with no electricity or running water.
While I was there, I was praying, hoping, and waiting for a deep revelation about life. It never came.
While I was there, I was waiting for God “to come and get me”. (In order to fully understand and appreciate this statement, you needed to have been at a past leadership training on Sunday morning.) He didn’t come.
Then I came back to Seattle. I went from the mountain top to some deep valley.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve been a little down. In truth, I’ve been a lot down. I know, I know, saints of the highest God should never be down. Jeremiah lamented. I lament.
I’ve been asked by coworkers and friends for pictures and stories. I haven’t felt like sharing anything. In truth, I haven’t felt like engaging back into normal life. My only high point since being back in the U.S. was a trip to Los Angeles during Labor Day weekend. It would appear that the minute I enter work or church, I close in.
Since I’m one to fester, I’ve been thinking about how I feel. I haven’t taken any steps to stop feeling this way. I am just thinking about it. I’m wondering why do I feel this way? Is this normal?
When I was in India, I felt like I was a stranger in a strange land. Now that I’m home, I feel like I’m a stranger in a strange land.
Have I been traumatized by the trip? Perhaps. I can’t identify any particular “event” though.
I have been drawn to the story of Joseph. Is there a life lesson lurking in the story? I’ve been thinking and searching for parallels. Nothing.
It would appear that I’m having a hard time placing the person who returned from India in the life of the person who left for India.
When I was in India, I was the person with affluence. I never did adjust to that. When I was in India, it was best to not engage with women and children asking for money. A more direct translation would be it was better to ignore them. In my need to be seen, it was heartbreaking to not see people.
I kept thinking about justice. I kept thinking about grace. I kept thinking about mercy. Who am I that I was born in a developed country? Who am I that I was able to attend a university? Who am I that I have a decent job with a decent home?
For $160, I can pay for a child’s tuition, uniform, and text books in India. What will I do with this information?
If salvation is the Word becoming Flesh and dwelling among people, how does that happen?
How does one pass through feelings of inadequacy and self doubt and make an impact?
How does light shine through darkness? How does peace give rest? How does love give light?
When faced with great injustice and evil, what will I do?
When I was in India, I had questions without answers. Now, I have no answers. I only have more questions. Everything it seems is in direct contradiction. I think I’m okay with that.
“...How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer...”
Quote from The Two Towers.
I went to India for a month this summer for vacation.
I saw beautiful monuments like the Taj Mahal. I saw beautiful countryside in the north and the south. I ate delicious food. I met wonderful people.
I saw some not so good things. My heart hurt when I saw kids working in fields when they should have been in school. I was deeply disturbed to see families living in tents with no electricity or running water.
While I was there, I was praying, hoping, and waiting for a deep revelation about life. It never came.
While I was there, I was waiting for God “to come and get me”. (In order to fully understand and appreciate this statement, you needed to have been at a past leadership training on Sunday morning.) He didn’t come.
Then I came back to Seattle. I went from the mountain top to some deep valley.
Since I’ve been back, I’ve been a little down. In truth, I’ve been a lot down. I know, I know, saints of the highest God should never be down. Jeremiah lamented. I lament.
I’ve been asked by coworkers and friends for pictures and stories. I haven’t felt like sharing anything. In truth, I haven’t felt like engaging back into normal life. My only high point since being back in the U.S. was a trip to Los Angeles during Labor Day weekend. It would appear that the minute I enter work or church, I close in.
Since I’m one to fester, I’ve been thinking about how I feel. I haven’t taken any steps to stop feeling this way. I am just thinking about it. I’m wondering why do I feel this way? Is this normal?
When I was in India, I felt like I was a stranger in a strange land. Now that I’m home, I feel like I’m a stranger in a strange land.
Have I been traumatized by the trip? Perhaps. I can’t identify any particular “event” though.
I have been drawn to the story of Joseph. Is there a life lesson lurking in the story? I’ve been thinking and searching for parallels. Nothing.
It would appear that I’m having a hard time placing the person who returned from India in the life of the person who left for India.
When I was in India, I was the person with affluence. I never did adjust to that. When I was in India, it was best to not engage with women and children asking for money. A more direct translation would be it was better to ignore them. In my need to be seen, it was heartbreaking to not see people.
I kept thinking about justice. I kept thinking about grace. I kept thinking about mercy. Who am I that I was born in a developed country? Who am I that I was able to attend a university? Who am I that I have a decent job with a decent home?
For $160, I can pay for a child’s tuition, uniform, and text books in India. What will I do with this information?
If salvation is the Word becoming Flesh and dwelling among people, how does that happen?
How does one pass through feelings of inadequacy and self doubt and make an impact?
How does light shine through darkness? How does peace give rest? How does love give light?
When faced with great injustice and evil, what will I do?
When I was in India, I had questions without answers. Now, I have no answers. I only have more questions. Everything it seems is in direct contradiction. I think I’m okay with that.
“...How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer...”
Quote from The Two Towers.
Forgiveness
I wrote this a couple of years ago. Letting go of the past is crucial for moving into the future.
Forgiveness is not a choice.
In some ways, it pains me to say that. There are people who have hurt me so bad that I feel I have the right to hate them with a perfect hatred. I feel I am justified for the anger and the bitterness I feel towards them. The grudge I have towards them is like the Energizer bunny; it keeps going and going and going.
Forgiveness is a commandment.
I was listening to the radio on the way home from Bible Study on Wednesday. The topic was forgiveness. The guest speaker said he reads the following scripture every morning:
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
We can’t pick and choose who we decide to forgive. Not forgiving whatever my aunt, mom, dad, Johnnie, Susie, ___ did is not worth losing my mind or salvation.
It’s been a year (or two, three, etc.), but I’m still bitter. In the meanwhile the other person has moved on. In the meanwhile, the bitterness is causing stress in my relationships with other people. It’s causing stress in body. I firmly believe that some physically illnesses are manifestations of internal conflict. The devil is a liar. My right to be angry, bitter, and disillusioned are not worth my health. Women tend to let fools, and let’s face it the dude was a fool, hurt them to the point that they don’t trust other people. This lack of trust damages all relationships you have with those around you. Your anger is misdirected towards innocent people.
I would like to encourage you, as we close out 2003, to think about people you know you have issues and beef with. Once you determine that, for your own sake do whatever you need to do to let it go and move on. Write them a letter. Talk to them about it. Talk to God about it. Ask him to help you release that person. Stop focusing on the past and look to the future. What is your divine destiny? Can you really reach it if you are hung up on the issues of the past?
As we refuse to forgive someone, we also tend to sit in judgment of that person. For me, I have cursed and condemned people because of my self-righteousness. (Pray for me please). We will all reap what we sow. If that person needs to be thumped on the head, let God do it. Whatever God does is better than anything I could think, do, or say.
Are any of us that perfect that we can condemn and judge people? Forgiveness not being a choice also frees me. It frees me to forgive myself. It frees me to say that most people who hurt me did not do it intentionally. They may have been acting out of their own hurt or immaturity – hurting people hurt people. They may have been doing the best they could with what they had. Or, like me, they could hurt others out of an unhealthy self defense mechanism.
Whatever the reason, open your hand and let go of the past. Open up your heart and mind to the future. Don’t hold people a prisoner to their past (There go I but by the Grace of God). I know I don’t want to be held a prisoner to mine.
Lord, help me to love with a perfect love.
“But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
Forgiveness is not a choice.
In some ways, it pains me to say that. There are people who have hurt me so bad that I feel I have the right to hate them with a perfect hatred. I feel I am justified for the anger and the bitterness I feel towards them. The grudge I have towards them is like the Energizer bunny; it keeps going and going and going.
Forgiveness is a commandment.
I was listening to the radio on the way home from Bible Study on Wednesday. The topic was forgiveness. The guest speaker said he reads the following scripture every morning:
Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.
We can’t pick and choose who we decide to forgive. Not forgiving whatever my aunt, mom, dad, Johnnie, Susie, ___ did is not worth losing my mind or salvation.
It’s been a year (or two, three, etc.), but I’m still bitter. In the meanwhile the other person has moved on. In the meanwhile, the bitterness is causing stress in my relationships with other people. It’s causing stress in body. I firmly believe that some physically illnesses are manifestations of internal conflict. The devil is a liar. My right to be angry, bitter, and disillusioned are not worth my health. Women tend to let fools, and let’s face it the dude was a fool, hurt them to the point that they don’t trust other people. This lack of trust damages all relationships you have with those around you. Your anger is misdirected towards innocent people.
I would like to encourage you, as we close out 2003, to think about people you know you have issues and beef with. Once you determine that, for your own sake do whatever you need to do to let it go and move on. Write them a letter. Talk to them about it. Talk to God about it. Ask him to help you release that person. Stop focusing on the past and look to the future. What is your divine destiny? Can you really reach it if you are hung up on the issues of the past?
As we refuse to forgive someone, we also tend to sit in judgment of that person. For me, I have cursed and condemned people because of my self-righteousness. (Pray for me please). We will all reap what we sow. If that person needs to be thumped on the head, let God do it. Whatever God does is better than anything I could think, do, or say.
Are any of us that perfect that we can condemn and judge people? Forgiveness not being a choice also frees me. It frees me to forgive myself. It frees me to say that most people who hurt me did not do it intentionally. They may have been acting out of their own hurt or immaturity – hurting people hurt people. They may have been doing the best they could with what they had. Or, like me, they could hurt others out of an unhealthy self defense mechanism.
Whatever the reason, open your hand and let go of the past. Open up your heart and mind to the future. Don’t hold people a prisoner to their past (There go I but by the Grace of God). I know I don’t want to be held a prisoner to mine.
Lord, help me to love with a perfect love.
“But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”
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