Thursday, June 10, 2010
What's Coming
I have blocked so much of my childhood out. It's sad that it took the death of my aunt to make me realize I need to unlock the door and remember. The problem is that the door is closed so tightly. I mentioned before that in trying to forget the bad, I also forgot the good. So bare with me. These next days maybe weeks will be spent with my personal reflection. I need to get it out!
The Road
People often ask me how I ended up in Moses Lake.
My Aunt Dorothy and her husband came to Moses Lake because her eventually ex-husband was in the Air Force.
My mom had three kids at 16, 17, and 19. She was not ready to be a mom so my three sisters and I were sent to be raised by her. What was suppose to be a temporary sitation became me living with my aunt from when I was 16 months old to 18.
Legend tells that my mom did come back for us, but my aunt would not let us go.
Sometimes I rage against this event in my life. My mom's "abandoment" and "rejection" played heavy in my pysche for so long. Now, I realize that my being sent to Moses Lake was part of God's plan.
If I had grown up in MS, I don't think I would have went to college or traveled or been successful. I imagine I would have kids and working at the chicken plant in my home town. Sigh.
Anyway, so that is how I up in Moses.
My Aunt Dorothy and her husband came to Moses Lake because her eventually ex-husband was in the Air Force.
My mom had three kids at 16, 17, and 19. She was not ready to be a mom so my three sisters and I were sent to be raised by her. What was suppose to be a temporary sitation became me living with my aunt from when I was 16 months old to 18.
Legend tells that my mom did come back for us, but my aunt would not let us go.
Sometimes I rage against this event in my life. My mom's "abandoment" and "rejection" played heavy in my pysche for so long. Now, I realize that my being sent to Moses Lake was part of God's plan.
If I had grown up in MS, I don't think I would have went to college or traveled or been successful. I imagine I would have kids and working at the chicken plant in my home town. Sigh.
Anyway, so that is how I up in Moses.
If it had not been for the Lord who was on my side...
There are certain situations in my life that make me realize that God has had His hand on me from day one. My belief in God and His love for me are so wrapped in the positive outcomes of these situations.
One of these situations is the fact that I used to date a guy who was HIV+. Yes, that could have been made out there...
To make a long story short, the person "confessed" the truth of his status to me at a party on the Base. This was a few weeks before I left to attend college. This realization haunted me for a few years. I was so terrified to get tested. It was more than a relief when the test results came back!
Anyway, I had long since wondered what happened to some of the other girls who I knew he had been involved with him. A few have sadly died. It is to be expected. Others statuses are unknown. Others seem to have miraculously emerged unscathed. Two children born virus free.
I had a chance to talk to his uncle about the past. The fact that he and I used to write before we had a falling out, which caused him to write me, cuss me out, and tell me he wished he had given me the disease. Complete with a letter from him a year or so later after my sister dying apologizing and reaching out to me, which I ignored. This is a regret. I should have reached back. He needed someone.
Anyway, I have held on to this and my feelings overall and it was nice to talk about him with someone else who cared for him.
Yes, he did some things that were definitely wrong. It is wrong to knowingly infect with someone with a disease that will kill them. No word can justify it, but my believe in the redemption of people - regardless of their sin is so great.
If one person is not worthy, then I, with my sins known and unknown, is not worthy either.
One of these situations is the fact that I used to date a guy who was HIV+. Yes, that could have been made out there...
To make a long story short, the person "confessed" the truth of his status to me at a party on the Base. This was a few weeks before I left to attend college. This realization haunted me for a few years. I was so terrified to get tested. It was more than a relief when the test results came back!
Anyway, I had long since wondered what happened to some of the other girls who I knew he had been involved with him. A few have sadly died. It is to be expected. Others statuses are unknown. Others seem to have miraculously emerged unscathed. Two children born virus free.
I had a chance to talk to his uncle about the past. The fact that he and I used to write before we had a falling out, which caused him to write me, cuss me out, and tell me he wished he had given me the disease. Complete with a letter from him a year or so later after my sister dying apologizing and reaching out to me, which I ignored. This is a regret. I should have reached back. He needed someone.
Anyway, I have held on to this and my feelings overall and it was nice to talk about him with someone else who cared for him.
Yes, he did some things that were definitely wrong. It is wrong to knowingly infect with someone with a disease that will kill them. No word can justify it, but my believe in the redemption of people - regardless of their sin is so great.
If one person is not worthy, then I, with my sins known and unknown, is not worthy either.
Moses Lake
I dream a lot about Moses Lake.
Some of the dreams involve me getting stuck over here (currently in the town). Bad weather. Can't get a ride to Seattle. Can't get a ride to the bus stop. My sister Honey and cousin Brett are normally there.
Sometimes I dream that I am living at home for a short period, which always ends up being longer than I had anticipated. In these dreams, I am desperately searching for a place to buy. I am always so relieved when I wake up to discover it was only a dream. Honey and Brett are normally there.
Sometimes I dream that the home I grew up in has been remodeled. Everything is brand new. Often, it is always bigger than it was.
I dream that I am at Frontier. Or walking downtown. I dream that I am at different parts of the city. I suppose it just haunts my subconscious.
Perhaps the dreams are the current reality catching up with me.
Some of the dreams involve me getting stuck over here (currently in the town). Bad weather. Can't get a ride to Seattle. Can't get a ride to the bus stop. My sister Honey and cousin Brett are normally there.
Sometimes I dream that I am living at home for a short period, which always ends up being longer than I had anticipated. In these dreams, I am desperately searching for a place to buy. I am always so relieved when I wake up to discover it was only a dream. Honey and Brett are normally there.
Sometimes I dream that the home I grew up in has been remodeled. Everything is brand new. Often, it is always bigger than it was.
I dream that I am at Frontier. Or walking downtown. I dream that I am at different parts of the city. I suppose it just haunts my subconscious.
Perhaps the dreams are the current reality catching up with me.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Home?
Today I came to Moses Lake for the first time in around thirteen years.
I came to Moses Lake when I was 16 months old and left when I was 18. When I was in college, I came a few times, then the reality of the existence became too much. I came home the summer between my freshman and sophomore year and I was so depressed. At some point in time, I stopped going back. The last time I went back was for my cousin's funeral.
Although I live in Seattle, I tend to not go to the east side, meaning Bellevue, Isaquah, Kirkland, etc. The farther east we drove the more I felt like I was out of body. Ellensburg is the point when you realize you are not in Kansas anymore, so to speak. Then Vantage, which is beautiful, and George and finally Moses Lake. We did not take the exit we would take to go to the house I was raised in. In my mind, I took the exit, made the left turn. Went straight. Made the right turn. Went straight. Made the right turn and ended up on the corner of Texas and Russell.
We went straight to the funeral home then to my other aunt's house. It's the same apartment they lived in when I left home.
As we drove around, I could picture scenes from my life. These are scenes I had long since repressed. The other side of this coin is that I would struggle to remember scenes at other places.
We did go to the house I grew up. Things rushed back. The corner I sat at when I had to escape the madness inside the house. I spent hours in the summer sitting on that corner begging time to speed up so I can become an adult and leave there. There were times when I could picture the lights of Seattle shining through the mountains. I told myself I would never return. I kept that promise.
Everything seems so small. The distance from my house and my elementary schooled seemed so far away when I was little. The streets of my neighborhood seemed so large when I was little. I went to the park I used to play in. Saw the school I used to go to. I walked down the street and remembered the houses I would play in when I was little.
There is a part of me that realizes that for whatever reason, Moses Lake is no longer home. It never really was. It was a placed I grew up, existed in, and hated. The memories are so locked in my head. I can't even remember the good in an effort to escape the bad.
Yeah. There were some good memories. Just having a hard time sorting them out. Memory is alive.
I came to Moses Lake when I was 16 months old and left when I was 18. When I was in college, I came a few times, then the reality of the existence became too much. I came home the summer between my freshman and sophomore year and I was so depressed. At some point in time, I stopped going back. The last time I went back was for my cousin's funeral.
Although I live in Seattle, I tend to not go to the east side, meaning Bellevue, Isaquah, Kirkland, etc. The farther east we drove the more I felt like I was out of body. Ellensburg is the point when you realize you are not in Kansas anymore, so to speak. Then Vantage, which is beautiful, and George and finally Moses Lake. We did not take the exit we would take to go to the house I was raised in. In my mind, I took the exit, made the left turn. Went straight. Made the right turn. Went straight. Made the right turn and ended up on the corner of Texas and Russell.
We went straight to the funeral home then to my other aunt's house. It's the same apartment they lived in when I left home.
As we drove around, I could picture scenes from my life. These are scenes I had long since repressed. The other side of this coin is that I would struggle to remember scenes at other places.
We did go to the house I grew up. Things rushed back. The corner I sat at when I had to escape the madness inside the house. I spent hours in the summer sitting on that corner begging time to speed up so I can become an adult and leave there. There were times when I could picture the lights of Seattle shining through the mountains. I told myself I would never return. I kept that promise.
Everything seems so small. The distance from my house and my elementary schooled seemed so far away when I was little. The streets of my neighborhood seemed so large when I was little. I went to the park I used to play in. Saw the school I used to go to. I walked down the street and remembered the houses I would play in when I was little.
There is a part of me that realizes that for whatever reason, Moses Lake is no longer home. It never really was. It was a placed I grew up, existed in, and hated. The memories are so locked in my head. I can't even remember the good in an effort to escape the bad.
Yeah. There were some good memories. Just having a hard time sorting them out. Memory is alive.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Lord Giveth the Lord Taketh Away
My aunt that raised me passed away. The details are still sketchy, but it sounds like she may have been gone for a few days before she was discovered.
It did get me thinking about my future and where I want to be in 40 years or on my death bed. If I had to imagine it, I would imagine myself being surrounded by my friends and family that love me.
I was thinking about the things I need to do to ensure that I am sowing community, friendship, love, and family. It takes so much effort to be intentional in friendship and relationship. It takes commitment and dedication.
I was thinking about my mom and my aunt. I have to remind myself that I am me and my destiny isn’t tied to them and my choices will lead me down to a path that is different.
I was thinking that it is so important to have closure with people. It’s almost like you have to make a decision on who is in your community, and then make a conscious effort to tender and care for those relationships. Life is too short to hold on to past hurts, pains, and bitterness. It’s best to just get things out in the open so healing can begin.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking!
It did get me thinking about my future and where I want to be in 40 years or on my death bed. If I had to imagine it, I would imagine myself being surrounded by my friends and family that love me.
I was thinking about the things I need to do to ensure that I am sowing community, friendship, love, and family. It takes so much effort to be intentional in friendship and relationship. It takes commitment and dedication.
I was thinking about my mom and my aunt. I have to remind myself that I am me and my destiny isn’t tied to them and my choices will lead me down to a path that is different.
I was thinking that it is so important to have closure with people. It’s almost like you have to make a decision on who is in your community, and then make a conscious effort to tender and care for those relationships. Life is too short to hold on to past hurts, pains, and bitterness. It’s best to just get things out in the open so healing can begin.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking!
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