Home?

Today I came to Moses Lake for the first time in around thirteen years.

I came to Moses Lake when I was 16 months old and left when I was 18. When I was in college, I came a few times, then the reality of the existence became too much. I came home the summer between my freshman and sophomore year and I was so depressed. At some point in time, I stopped going back. The last time I went back was for my cousin's funeral.

Although I live in Seattle, I tend to not go to the east side, meaning Bellevue, Isaquah, Kirkland, etc. The farther east we drove the more I felt like I was out of body. Ellensburg is the point when you realize you are not in Kansas anymore, so to speak. Then Vantage, which is beautiful, and George and finally Moses Lake. We did not take the exit we would take to go to the house I was raised in. In my mind, I took the exit, made the left turn. Went straight. Made the right turn. Went straight. Made the right turn and ended up on the corner of Texas and Russell.

We went straight to the funeral home then to my other aunt's house. It's the same apartment they lived in when I left home.

As we drove around, I could picture scenes from my life. These are scenes I had long since repressed. The other side of this coin is that I would struggle to remember scenes at other places.

We did go to the house I grew up. Things rushed back. The corner I sat at when I had to escape the madness inside the house. I spent hours in the summer sitting on that corner begging time to speed up so I can become an adult and leave there. There were times when I could picture the lights of Seattle shining through the mountains. I told myself I would never return. I kept that promise.

Everything seems so small. The distance from my house and my elementary schooled seemed so far away when I was little. The streets of my neighborhood seemed so large when I was little. I went to the park I used to play in. Saw the school I used to go to. I walked down the street and remembered the houses I would play in when I was little.

There is a part of me that realizes that for whatever reason, Moses Lake is no longer home. It never really was. It was a placed I grew up, existed in, and hated. The memories are so locked in my head. I can't even remember the good in an effort to escape the bad.

Yeah. There were some good memories. Just having a hard time sorting them out. Memory is alive.