Dreams

I dream a lot. I daydream a lot as well.

There are recurring themes in the dreams. Buses—Missed Buses. Classes—Missed Classes. Forgotten Tests. Whales.

In my dreams, I search and long for something.

I am never where I should be. I should be in class or work, but I am wandering.

I am in class, but I forgot to study for a final.

I am running for a bus that pulls away right before I get there.

In the recent past, I dreamt I was pregnant. I remember that I did not want this baby, and I remember thinking I cannot and will not have this baby.

I then dreamt that I had an abortion. I went through a mourning process.

A week ago, I dreamt the abortion dream again. The dream was so heavy. When I woke up, I had to remind myself that it was a dream (This may have been part of the dream). I felt grief, guilt, and a heaviness that I couldn’t shake.

I had questions about the dreams. Was God planting compassion in me to minister to women who have had abortions?

Was this God’s way of telling me that I had let a gift or responsibility die?

I’m leaning toward the latter. I didn’t want the baby. The baby would interfere with my life and my plans.

If I had recognized the blessing of the baby in my womb, I would have rejoiced at the wonder of the gift that was given.

The baby was not my baby. The baby was our baby.

There are so many talents, gifts, ideas, and compassions seeded in all of us. Will we cherish (want), cultivate, and birth these ideas? Or will the seeds go along the wayside and be choked out by life?

We are close to the harvest season. Fall is upon us, and it is time for the fruits of our labor to be reaped (birthed) for consumption and use during the winter that will follow.