I’ve long suspected that I am a spoiled brat, and I have recently concluded that the statement is TRUE!
A man I used to “talk to” always called me “The Brat”. My response was always along the lines that it was not my fault people spoiled me.
Recently, I was denied something I really, really, really wanted. I was more than disappointed that I didn’t get it. I was traumatized and felt a host of negative emotions. The saddest part in my saying all this is that I was not grateful to what I received. As a matter of fact, I lost sight of the fact that I am truly a blessed person.
It was not my finest hour, and I think of this song we sing at my church that says, “Grateful, grateful, gratefulness is flowing from my heart.” Um, yeah, it was not.
The women’s group at my church is reading the Purpose Driven Life together. We started today with day one. And what does day one tell me. It says, “It’s not about me.” Timing is everything, and unfortunately I am in much need of being reminded of that simple revelation.
I do wonder when I get caught up in my wants, desires, longings, etc. that I forgot it’s not about me. It’s about reaching out to the loss and providing for those in need. I have more than I need, and the fact that I want more is a poor reflection of who I am right now.
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This reminded me of a dream I recently had:
My dream starts out at night, I'm standing in front of a poster ad for a circus (much like Cirque Du Soleil, my favorite circus!). They offer a job that would include acrobatics, costume design, creative advertising, I'd have a list of things to do (and of course get to check off as I finish, one of those wierd things I like to do!) It sounds really exciting and fulfilling. I think to myself, "I wish I could leave my life behind and go do this instead!" From this point on, I am divided into two people. I see the dream through the eyes of the "me" who is tall, confident, looks out at life, optimistic, excited about what's coming in life, adventurous, happy, etc. (I'll call her the happy "me"). The other "me" is very short, stooped, curled up in the fetal position most of the time, whines, complains, finds excuses why she can't do anything she wants, keeps looking at the ground, and under all her pain, there is a lot of anger and resentment. (I'll call her the pathetic "me"). At this point in the dream, I realize that I am a student starting college. (after I woke up I realized I was at the University of Washington, my old school.) I have a schedule in my hand, and as usual with my dreams about school, the schedule doesn't say when or where any of my classes are. Normally, that would create panic, stress, despair. But today, I just get out the course catalog and look up my classes and find out what I need to know. I get ready to go to class, but pathetic "me" is in her fetal position on the floor mumblilng about how unfair it is that the schedule never has the right information on it and how she will never make it to class and even if she does find it, she will be too late. As far as she is concerned, anything she does will turn out to be one big failure...why even try? Happy "me" thinks, "Good Grief!!!" So happy "me" shows pathetic "me" the schedule and how I've found the time and place for all the classes. I say, "If we run, we can make it. We might be a few minutes late, but that will be fine! Let's go!!!" Reluctantly, pathetic "me" gets up, still stooped and dragging her feet and lets me drag her along. I get to my first class. It's at Husky Stadium. I'd had a previous dream where I had a class at Husky Stadium...it's about as far from main campus as you can get and still be on campus. In my dream, it's on a big hill, too. So not only is it far, but I have to hike to get there. Pathetic "me" is really put out by the effort required to get there. The closer we get to the stadium, the lighter things get, until we get there and it's a bright summer day. My class is at the back and I go directly there and find a back door. There is a huge crowd there waiting for a game to start...the atmosphere is full of excitement and anticipation for a good time. I go to the back door, but a guard stops me and says I need to go to the front and get a ticket before I can come in. I'm a bit disappointed, but "OK!" I'll go get my ticket. All this time at the stadium, pathetic "me" has hung back, hiding in the shadows. Happy "me" is getting tired of dragging pathetic "me" around and wants to leave her to grumble in the shadows by herself so I can move on without her. In order to get my ticket, I have to walk through the shadows again because the entrance is surrounded by huge trees that make it fairly dark. But once I get my ticket there, I know that I'll be able to sit in the stadium and enjoy the game with all the other spectators.
I woke up thinking how wonderfully this expalins where I am in life right now. I'm ready to look at my bad side, even let her go, ready to work on those bad issues in my life so I can move on to happier things. I woke up ready to conquer the world!
I've been getting counseling for the issues in my life lately. It's caused me to take a sharp look at my past and how I was raised, see things I may have ignored. I am also taking a sharper look at how I have chosen to react to all of those things, habits I have embraced in order to cope that just are not working anymore. They may have helped me to deal with the negative things in my childhood, but now that I'm an adult, they no longer "help", but are only hindering my life. So I'm getting help to work through these things and it has been wonderful to start seeing my way out of my bad habits! My dream felt like the perfect way to see my new progress. I haven't quite let go of "pathetic me" but I'm seeing that there is a way to happiness that doesn't include dragging her around. It's o.k. to want something better, but sometimes it means letting go of bad things so you can embrace the new good things.
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