As I was walking during my lunch hour, I realized I had forgotten/neglected by blog. For shame! However, there is a lot going on in my mind!
The fallout from my aunt’s death continues. We have to clear out/up the house, which is hard for so many different reasons. I continue to step outside of myself and ask myself was I really raised in this town, this house, this neighborhood, this family. The iron curtain of my mind has really blocked the experience out. It’s bizarre. In some ways, the experience just becomes another role I perform. What a strange family I was born into. There has to be a reason we were put together, greater than our current roles of driving each other crazy.
As I was walking, I was thinking about satisfaction. I ask myself will I ever be satisfied or do I suffer from chronic dissatisfaction. What is it about us that wants more and more and more? It seems like we can’t enjoy what we do have because we are so focused on what we don’t have. What we don’t want. What we want. What we can’t have. It’s actually kind of sad.
I do this game with God where I say if this is meant to be cause this to happen. Then, when it doesn’t happen, I am strangely disappoint, but does God even operate like that?
With all the blessings I have in my life and all the good could I really long/desire more than I have? If I were God, I would be so disappointed in me right about now.
It’s a strange journey this thing called life.
1 comment:
I thought of this talk that spoke to the ideas in your post:
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=92764bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD
I know that when I start to feel unhappy with my lot in life, it's usually time to start listing my blessings and find someone else to serve. When I spend too much time in my head thinking of what I don't have and wishing for those things, I need to get out and be with others so I can be reminded of what is all around me that is a blessing.
There have been so many times that I've been exhausted from being a "single" parent and feel that all my time goes into just maintaining some level of peace in the house with 4 kids. It can sometimes feel like there is never time to do the fun things. But that is just my perception! There is always time to hug a child, to read a quick story book, to have a tickle fight, to stop and snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie.... If I tell myself I'm too tired to have fun, then I won't have fun. But if I make a point to enjoy my time with my kids, even set aside something that "must" get done for a while, then suddenly, I have more than enough time for the joys in my life.
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