I Miss My Sister/I Want My Sister Back

Mid-September to early October is a hard time for me.

September 21 is my sister Honey’s birthday. She died in a car accident when I was 23 aka 12 years ago.

The last conversation I had with her was in mid-September. She called to talk to me, but I was too tired to talk. I remember us laughing as I was trying to hang up, but she wanted to talk. I was like dude I have to go and practically hung up on her. She tried calling back, but I did not pick up the phone. She urgently wanted to talk to me.

Fast forward about a week to her 25 birthday, and I could not reach her. I tried, and I tried, but just couldn’t connect. I was not able to wish her a happy birthday. I urgently wanted to talk to her.

Fast forward a few weeks to the call I never wanted to get.

My sister knew/knows I love her. But, that final conversation we had when I did not tell her one last time will always stay with me. That final conversation where I was too tired to take the time to talk to her will always stay with me.

Now, I try to hug my friends and family when I see them. I try to tell them that I love them because you never really know when it will be the last time.

Her death taught me a lot about who actually cared for me. I remember I sought out comfort from people who I thought would comfort me, but you know how that goes.

I went through a lot of guilt over her dying and not me. She had kids, I had none. I kept asking God why (and I still haven’t gotten the answer to that question). I was so angry when she died. I remember when I turned 25, I didn't feel like I had the right to turn that age. Then I turned 26, and so, and so on.

I remember sitting at her funeral stone faced and mad at the world. I still haven’t cried about it. I just suppress the emotion like if I cry it will be admitting that she is gone from this life. It's like the last picture I have with her. That's it.

The funny thing is that I still expect to pick up the phone and hear her voice. She still owes me money. She used to make me laugh. She could have been a comedian. I am thankful the time we had as sisters, and what a time it was.

• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me singing “We are Family” with towels on our heads when we were little.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me staying up every Christmas Eve and watching a Christmas Story all night.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me staying up watching Night Tracks on Fridays and Saturdays.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me staying up all night the night before the first day of school.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me doing our first solo plane trip together.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me being in Jump Rope for Heart together.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me playing house and dolls together. I also remember early on when LaQuita would play with us. LaQuita was Big Tina, Cathy was Judy. I forgot Honey’s name but I was CeCe and I hated that name.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me used to go trick-or-treating and we would go far from home.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me in my aunt’s garden like slaves. We were so bitter to be out there.
• I remember Cathy, Honey, and me used to go pick plums from this tree in ML.
• I remember the time Honey got stung by a bee and swelled like a balloon and had to be taken to the hospital. We didn’t realize it was actually life threatening and laughed and laughed and laughed. Actually, it’s still funny.
• I remember Honey was allergic to everything and had asthma
• I remember Honey teaching me how to fight.
• I remember one night at dinner Honey didn’t want to eat what was on her plate. And my aunt made her sit there then she started crying because she said a spider was following her. That was hilarious!
• I remember when Honey made some rolls from a recipe she learned at home-economics and they were harder than rocks.
• I remember Honey coming to visit me when I was at the UW.
• I remember Honey doing my hair when I was a teenager.
• I remember when I was in sixth grade, I used to wear my sisters clothes without them knowing it. They left before me, and I got back before them. I would wear their stuff and then rush home and put it back in their closets.
• I remember that it’s good to remember.