I’ve been feeling a little off kilter lately. I wasn’t able to pinpoint an actual emotion until a week ago. I was walking home when I realized what I was feeling. It can basically be summed up in one word: RESTLESS. To be perfectly honest, this is not a new emotion for me, but most days I am able to suppress it. I often wonder if I am suppressing who I am. I know I often suppress what I desire.
One of my weaknesses is that I am able to place emotions in compartments. This is good and bad. For example, I am single thus I am supposed to be abstinent. Any desires I feel to the contrary I am good at putting into a box and putting it on a shelf. That is 99% of the time. The other 1% of the time- not so much.
In a way, I feel like I spend time denying who I am to be someone I am supposed to be?
There are times when I feel like my life can go down two different roads. One road involves getting married and settling down with a kid or two. This is the road most traveled and some ways what is actually expected of me. It’s what I expected of myself. The biggest question I have had surrounding this desire is that I could never figure out if it was actually something I wanted or something I was told I was to have. Like we are all supposed to get educated, get married, buy a house, and have 2.1 children. We are supposed to work nine to five until we are in our sixties and then retire.
The other road, which winning the lotto would be a clear sign this is the road for me would involve quitting my job, paying the condo off, finding a house sitter and traveling for a year or two or three. I would be a nomad. If I were to be perfectly honest, I am surprised I have been planted for so long. But I have family and I have a community and I do have a responsibility to that. Don’t get me wrong, Seattle is home. I have always felt this. This is where my family is, the family I have created and chosen.
This is me unplugged and honest.
1 comment:
I think I've had this feeling, but stated a little different. I struggle with what I planned to do with myself and what God has planned for me. My plan was to stay single, get a big degree in marine biology, live on a boat, travel all over the world studying marine life and definitely NO KIDS!!!
Well, as you can see, God had a different plan. I had many years of shaking my fist at God because I thought I knew better and would have been more fulfilled and happier with my plan. Especially when I was having a tough time dealing with the husband and kids..."See! I was right! This isn't all it's cracked up to be!"
Thankfully, God is understanding and loving. He let me keep moving along in a loving way. I can now look back on the good and the heartbreakingly bad and say, "He was right! This path is much better than my path would have been!" My path would have run from anything that was uncomfortable or that would have allowed me to grow, because a lot of those experiences HURT! I'm so glad I chose God's path because I'm a much better person now.
So my question to you is: Have you asked God what his plan for you is? Don't automatically think that the "responsible" thing is what God wants. I've often felt God pulling me on a path that looked very UNresponsible, sometimes even FUN! God wants us to experience joy in life along with all the painful lessons we have to endure. Sometimes, going for what we dream about is the scariest thing to do and God isn't opposed to us going for it because it will stretch us and we will see just what we are capable of. Other times, we need to do what is "responsible" because it teaches us patience and how to bridle all our passions. The key is finding out what God's plan is, I think. Good luck!
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