I’m in the final week of producing the April 1, 2010, issue of my church’s newsletter (The PCC Scroll). I would be happy to add any interested parties to the distribution list!
For my Editor’s Corner article, which I will post on my blog soon, I start with a reference to the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi.
“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen”
I wrote about his prayer and how Christ came and died so we could be light in darkness, hope in the midst of despair, joy where there is sadness, etc.
To put it mildly, I had a challenging week. I kept talking to myself and wondering what on earth was going on with me. I just wasn’t feeling well. I did manage to drag myself to work four out of the five days.
My coworkers commented how they missed my smile and my laugh and my positive energy this week. It was very humbling. I realized that my reason for being in this world is to become all the things Saint Francis wrote about.
I realized if I truly wanted to be joy where there was sadness, pardon where there was injury, hope where there despair, etc. then I would have to press through and around whatever is happening in my life.
Let me tell you it’s hard. It’s so much easier to ride on an emotional roller coaster or submit to not feeling well. It’s hard to stand up and fight and proclaim I will be an instrument of peace and soldier for the Kingdom of Heaven.
I’m not sure why I thought it would be easy. LOL. I will say that I will not roll over and play dead. I must press on toward my goals.
Interestingly enough, I realized this week that I am part of the problem. I realized that I take part in conversations that are not edifying. What good is it to complain, murmur, and grumble about what is or not going on? What good is it to let what is happening around me impact my emotions? It doesn’t do any good. It only causes me frustration and causes my emotions to get all riled up. Yes, I am part of the problem. In some ways, that’s okay. Since I am part of the problem, I can become the solution.
Light looked down and beheld darkness.
'Thither will I go,' said Light.
Peace looked down and beheld war.
'Thither will I go,' said Peace.
Love looked down and beheld hate.
'Thither will I go,' said Love.
So Light came, and shone.
So Peace came, and gave rest.
So Love came, and gave light.
And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us.
So, no. I don’t expect this road to be easy. I do expect that the grace and mercy of God will help me along the path.
This is great timing. As we enter Holy Week, it makes the sacrifice Christ made even more tangible. Christ died to give me life. So, now I die to become more like Him and live.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Adventures in Babysitting aka No More Nighttime Gigs
I babysat my cousin’s daughter Wednesday night. She’s ten months old and absolutely adorable.
I walked her around and bounced her to put her to sleep. When I attempted to lay her down, she awoke and the cycle repeated itself a few times. Finally, she went down and stayed down. For me, this was the moment of freedom to search the internet and have dinner.
An hour later, she woke up again. I calmed her down and tried to get her back to sleep. The problem was the wood floors in their bedroom would creak as I attempted to escape, and she would wake up. Then, the dog decided to very loudly drink water, which was the end of my dreams.
She wanted to be held, but she wanted me to stand up and hold/rock her. At this point in time, my back was hurting. I was like little girl I can’t stand up and rock you anymore, and she was having a fit. Finally, I was able to sit and rub her back while she moaned and groaned her tiredness.
When her mom got back, I was like no more nighttime babysitting. LOL.
It did get me thinking about me and my own selfishness.
It is very easy to sacrifice time and energy when it’s convenient. Not so easy to sacrifice when it’s inconvenient.
It this case, it was a baby who needed something from an adult.
There are areas in my life where I am not fully developed and need to be handled with kid gloves. There are areas in other people’s lives where they need to be handled with kids gloves.
It was not reasonable for me to expect Sade to put herself back to sleep. As a non-mother, I had to get over the selfish part of me that expected the experience to flow how I wanted it to flow, which would have been her being sleep for the rest of the night.
I say all that to say that most people still have a little bit of a child in them. It’s very easy to wound the child, which can be quite damaging. So, I’m hoping to learn to love people and be gentle with people just where they are. I’m hoping folks will do the same for me.
I walked her around and bounced her to put her to sleep. When I attempted to lay her down, she awoke and the cycle repeated itself a few times. Finally, she went down and stayed down. For me, this was the moment of freedom to search the internet and have dinner.
An hour later, she woke up again. I calmed her down and tried to get her back to sleep. The problem was the wood floors in their bedroom would creak as I attempted to escape, and she would wake up. Then, the dog decided to very loudly drink water, which was the end of my dreams.
She wanted to be held, but she wanted me to stand up and hold/rock her. At this point in time, my back was hurting. I was like little girl I can’t stand up and rock you anymore, and she was having a fit. Finally, I was able to sit and rub her back while she moaned and groaned her tiredness.
When her mom got back, I was like no more nighttime babysitting. LOL.
It did get me thinking about me and my own selfishness.
It is very easy to sacrifice time and energy when it’s convenient. Not so easy to sacrifice when it’s inconvenient.
It this case, it was a baby who needed something from an adult.
There are areas in my life where I am not fully developed and need to be handled with kid gloves. There are areas in other people’s lives where they need to be handled with kids gloves.
It was not reasonable for me to expect Sade to put herself back to sleep. As a non-mother, I had to get over the selfish part of me that expected the experience to flow how I wanted it to flow, which would have been her being sleep for the rest of the night.
I say all that to say that most people still have a little bit of a child in them. It’s very easy to wound the child, which can be quite damaging. So, I’m hoping to learn to love people and be gentle with people just where they are. I’m hoping folks will do the same for me.
Monday, March 22, 2010
One Last Cry
I’m not really much of a crier. I actually have a friend who I am pretty sure received my tears. LOL. My rage and pain are processed internally.
For some reason, I feel like taking a walking and just crying. I felt this way last week as well. I feel overwhelmed. Maybe it’s all the changes that are going around me? Change is hard for me. I like the “stability” of routine.
It’s the strangest feeling. I can’t shake the thought that something is going to happen that I need to prepare myself for. I’m not sure if it is necessarily a bad thing. More like something that is going to take me out my comfort zone and shift me. No matter how much I want to hold on to whatever it is I’m supposed to let go.
I don’t mean this in a doom and gloom way. It’s more like yesterday prepares you for today. You can find the strength to survive what happens next based on past experiences. Based on knowledge that God didn’t abandon you in the past, and He will be with you in the future, no matter what it holds.
I will go home and attempt to cry my eyes out!
For some reason, I feel like taking a walking and just crying. I felt this way last week as well. I feel overwhelmed. Maybe it’s all the changes that are going around me? Change is hard for me. I like the “stability” of routine.
It’s the strangest feeling. I can’t shake the thought that something is going to happen that I need to prepare myself for. I’m not sure if it is necessarily a bad thing. More like something that is going to take me out my comfort zone and shift me. No matter how much I want to hold on to whatever it is I’m supposed to let go.
I don’t mean this in a doom and gloom way. It’s more like yesterday prepares you for today. You can find the strength to survive what happens next based on past experiences. Based on knowledge that God didn’t abandon you in the past, and He will be with you in the future, no matter what it holds.
I will go home and attempt to cry my eyes out!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Words vs. Actions
Have you ever heard the expression, I can’t hear what you are saying because of your actions. Okay, that may not exactly be the expression but you get my point.
I get the feeling that people sometimes tell me what they think I want to hear. Let me rephrase that. People say what they think you want to hear – period.
I would just rather have the truth.
When people continual don’t tell the truth, it’s hard to trust them and you doubt their integrity.
When people tell me something, I take it to heart until their actions show me that their words meant nothing.
I suppose what I am trying to say is to be careful what you say to other people and what you promise.
It hurts less to know the truth upfront than to have your hopes built then shattered into a million pieces.
I get the feeling that people sometimes tell me what they think I want to hear. Let me rephrase that. People say what they think you want to hear – period.
I would just rather have the truth.
When people continual don’t tell the truth, it’s hard to trust them and you doubt their integrity.
When people tell me something, I take it to heart until their actions show me that their words meant nothing.
I suppose what I am trying to say is to be careful what you say to other people and what you promise.
It hurts less to know the truth upfront than to have your hopes built then shattered into a million pieces.
Lenten Check In
On March 4, I realized that it was a month to Easter, or Resurrection Sunday. On Wednesday, it will be three weeks since Ash Wednesday. It’s almost the halfway point. As mentioned previously, I have turned the TV off for Lent. No TV and no movies.
My first test was a movie called Valentine’s Day came out that I wanted to see. There was a voice that was like its okay to go a movie theatre to watch a movie. Just not at home. With that sort of thinking, I would be going to the movies once a week!
I visited a friend and her kids were watching TV. I had to make myself focus on something else. I felt Sponge Bob Square Pants sucking me in! I realized I can be in the same room as a TV and not watch it.
My biggest test has been the Office. On March 4, a double-episode, Pam and Jim had their baby! The good news is that I can watch it online after Easter! I will not turn my TV on until Monday, April 5. I may have to wean myself back into it. Maybe just allow myself one to two hours a day? Not sure on that.
What happens is that I come and turn the TV on. I like watching syndicated sitcoms because I like to laugh. The sad thing is that there are certain shows I have seen every episode of many times. Like Seinfeld. I know the lines. Not a good accomplishment. I also have Netflix so I get movies coming in.
What I have been doing is blogging more. I think this will be the fourth post this month. I try to do one post a week so I will overachieve. I’ve also been reading books. I forgot how much I enjoy reading!
Starting this week, I will begin working on the April/Spring issue of my church’s newsletter. I also need to do some studying. I’ve been having a lot of leisure time.
My first test was a movie called Valentine’s Day came out that I wanted to see. There was a voice that was like its okay to go a movie theatre to watch a movie. Just not at home. With that sort of thinking, I would be going to the movies once a week!
I visited a friend and her kids were watching TV. I had to make myself focus on something else. I felt Sponge Bob Square Pants sucking me in! I realized I can be in the same room as a TV and not watch it.
My biggest test has been the Office. On March 4, a double-episode, Pam and Jim had their baby! The good news is that I can watch it online after Easter! I will not turn my TV on until Monday, April 5. I may have to wean myself back into it. Maybe just allow myself one to two hours a day? Not sure on that.
What happens is that I come and turn the TV on. I like watching syndicated sitcoms because I like to laugh. The sad thing is that there are certain shows I have seen every episode of many times. Like Seinfeld. I know the lines. Not a good accomplishment. I also have Netflix so I get movies coming in.
What I have been doing is blogging more. I think this will be the fourth post this month. I try to do one post a week so I will overachieve. I’ve also been reading books. I forgot how much I enjoy reading!
Starting this week, I will begin working on the April/Spring issue of my church’s newsletter. I also need to do some studying. I’ve been having a lot of leisure time.
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust
A definite sign of getting older is the number of funerals I attend. It’s March, and I have attended two this year.
At first, it was the grandparents of friends. Now, I am starting to get into the parents of friends. Soon, it will be the siblings and spouses of friends. [As I typed the last sentence it occurred to be that it could come across as morbid. It’s not meant to. It’s just a reflection on the fact that we are getting older.]
As we got older, so did our grandparents and parents. It’s the oddest thing. I have a weird feeling about it that I can’t describe. I think about the kids in my life. My niece/cousin Sade will turn one in a few months. When she reaches the age I am currently at, I will be knocking on 70. Time moves so quickly. The year just started and we are already close to mid-March.
The first funeral I attended was a church member’s stepdaughter who passed in the earthquake in Haiti. I joined my church’s hospitality committee and we were in charge of setting up and taking down the refreshments. I ushered at today’s funeral, which was for a dad of a friend of mine.
At the end, I realized that I am at a loss of words to say at funerals. I can do the regular sorry for your loss and hold on the memories. Serving ends up being away to express my sentiments by just trying to care for some basic needs be it a fan or tissue or serving food or ushering.
There was a point in time where I felt like I was involved in everything at my church. I scaled it back to just two things: ushering and the church newsletter. Now, I have added two more things: the hospitality committee and the website committee. I think they compliment what I already have on my plate, and more importantly are things that God has given me natural talent and genuine interest in.
I guess what I am trying to say is that life is short. We must work while it is still day. We must use or gifts and talents to serve God and serve people. There is work to be done!
At first, it was the grandparents of friends. Now, I am starting to get into the parents of friends. Soon, it will be the siblings and spouses of friends. [As I typed the last sentence it occurred to be that it could come across as morbid. It’s not meant to. It’s just a reflection on the fact that we are getting older.]
As we got older, so did our grandparents and parents. It’s the oddest thing. I have a weird feeling about it that I can’t describe. I think about the kids in my life. My niece/cousin Sade will turn one in a few months. When she reaches the age I am currently at, I will be knocking on 70. Time moves so quickly. The year just started and we are already close to mid-March.
The first funeral I attended was a church member’s stepdaughter who passed in the earthquake in Haiti. I joined my church’s hospitality committee and we were in charge of setting up and taking down the refreshments. I ushered at today’s funeral, which was for a dad of a friend of mine.
At the end, I realized that I am at a loss of words to say at funerals. I can do the regular sorry for your loss and hold on the memories. Serving ends up being away to express my sentiments by just trying to care for some basic needs be it a fan or tissue or serving food or ushering.
There was a point in time where I felt like I was involved in everything at my church. I scaled it back to just two things: ushering and the church newsletter. Now, I have added two more things: the hospitality committee and the website committee. I think they compliment what I already have on my plate, and more importantly are things that God has given me natural talent and genuine interest in.
I guess what I am trying to say is that life is short. We must work while it is still day. We must use or gifts and talents to serve God and serve people. There is work to be done!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Number 27 Bus and other Ramblings
Every time I ride the number 27 bus, I swear it’s going to be the last time. The bus is consistently late. The bus has more people using the lifts to get on and off than any other bus I have ridden - even when it’s only for one stop! The caliber of people riding the bus is very questionable; yes, I am a bit of a snob. I am working on being less judgmental.
The bus was very crowded today. They all knew each other so there was a lot of talk about being thankful it was the first of the month because they got their check. They weren’t homeless, but they were people who were barely getting by. We got to a community center that has a food bank and the bus emptied.
It’s a very interesting subculture. One that I in some ways I come from. People on assisted living who are trying to get by. People who are constantly hustling. People who are probably dealing with addictions. I recognize this because some of the people I grew up with were like that. It was a lifestyle I was determined not to live, which is why I was driven to get out of Moses Lake, and the reason I don’t go back.
It did make me sad. I kept thinking it just takes one bad decision to end up on skid row. It takes one bad decision to get hooked on drugs or alcohol. It takes one bad decision to get pregnant or HIV.
It did get me thinking of the bad choices I had made. I wonder why one person smokes crack and gets hooked for life, while another tries it and is able to walk away. One person does a crime and gets caught, another does the crime and slips through the system.
I see a lot of women who are cracked or methed out while waiting for my bus. I look at them, and I wonder what dreams and ambitions they had when they were little girls. What did they want to be? Where did it go wrong?
I just try to be mindful and thankful for God’s grace and mercy in my life. There was more than one bad choice that could have sent me off in the wrong direction. Thanks to God, they didn’t!
The bus was very crowded today. They all knew each other so there was a lot of talk about being thankful it was the first of the month because they got their check. They weren’t homeless, but they were people who were barely getting by. We got to a community center that has a food bank and the bus emptied.
It’s a very interesting subculture. One that I in some ways I come from. People on assisted living who are trying to get by. People who are constantly hustling. People who are probably dealing with addictions. I recognize this because some of the people I grew up with were like that. It was a lifestyle I was determined not to live, which is why I was driven to get out of Moses Lake, and the reason I don’t go back.
It did make me sad. I kept thinking it just takes one bad decision to end up on skid row. It takes one bad decision to get hooked on drugs or alcohol. It takes one bad decision to get pregnant or HIV.
It did get me thinking of the bad choices I had made. I wonder why one person smokes crack and gets hooked for life, while another tries it and is able to walk away. One person does a crime and gets caught, another does the crime and slips through the system.
I see a lot of women who are cracked or methed out while waiting for my bus. I look at them, and I wonder what dreams and ambitions they had when they were little girls. What did they want to be? Where did it go wrong?
I just try to be mindful and thankful for God’s grace and mercy in my life. There was more than one bad choice that could have sent me off in the wrong direction. Thanks to God, they didn’t!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Toyota and other Musings
I’ve been reading about the Toyota recalls. I thank God I decided not to buy a new car (See January 8 entry). I would have been so hot about it! I still get emails from Toyota asking me if I am still (underline under the word still) driving my old (underline under the word old) car. Um, yeah. Your new cars are tragic.
The latest Economist has a cartoon about Toyota and how quickly they fell from grace. Basically, all you see a ski slope and all this snow in the wake. At the finish line, two skiers, who had been knocked down, comment they didn’t think Toyota would come down so fast.
I saw another article that commented how the business model of Toyota changed. When the company was established, the focus was on creating reliable, long-lasting cars. As the company grew, the focus became more about market share and owning a bigger piece of the pie. The shift on quality was replaced to a shift of quantity.
I notice that in life, we spend years and years building up positive reputations. We build up a name for ourselves. We prove that we are dependable. Then, one event can damage our reputations for the rest of our life. Or, at least until the next scandal breaks. In some ways it sad, it other ways is just life.
In the end, more does not mean better. I received an email this morning that touched on how we had bigger houses but not homes. We have a lot of books but no knowledge. We have a lot of sex but no love. I wonder when we confused everything. We have so much, yet we have so little. We continue in this pursuit for external validation and prizes.
Like Toyota, we have gotten off track. Let’s focus more on the quality of life. Not all the things we can amass to prove we have made it. Life is too short and none of the fixings are coming with us.
In my head, my life would be so much better when I win the mega millions. It would be nice to not have to worry about money. In truth, I would worry less about money but any fears, doubts, insecurities, etc. wouldn’t leave me. Nah, I would just have the money to pay for the best shrink that is out there. Money won’t necessary bring happiness. That has to come from the inside. (I would love to test this - smile).
The latest Economist has a cartoon about Toyota and how quickly they fell from grace. Basically, all you see a ski slope and all this snow in the wake. At the finish line, two skiers, who had been knocked down, comment they didn’t think Toyota would come down so fast.
I saw another article that commented how the business model of Toyota changed. When the company was established, the focus was on creating reliable, long-lasting cars. As the company grew, the focus became more about market share and owning a bigger piece of the pie. The shift on quality was replaced to a shift of quantity.
I notice that in life, we spend years and years building up positive reputations. We build up a name for ourselves. We prove that we are dependable. Then, one event can damage our reputations for the rest of our life. Or, at least until the next scandal breaks. In some ways it sad, it other ways is just life.
In the end, more does not mean better. I received an email this morning that touched on how we had bigger houses but not homes. We have a lot of books but no knowledge. We have a lot of sex but no love. I wonder when we confused everything. We have so much, yet we have so little. We continue in this pursuit for external validation and prizes.
Like Toyota, we have gotten off track. Let’s focus more on the quality of life. Not all the things we can amass to prove we have made it. Life is too short and none of the fixings are coming with us.
In my head, my life would be so much better when I win the mega millions. It would be nice to not have to worry about money. In truth, I would worry less about money but any fears, doubts, insecurities, etc. wouldn’t leave me. Nah, I would just have the money to pay for the best shrink that is out there. Money won’t necessary bring happiness. That has to come from the inside. (I would love to test this - smile).
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