Lens

I sometimes keep my glasses tucked into my shirt. One time, I leaned over, and they fell into the toilet. This led to a thorough cleaning, of course. When I put them, I realized how dirty they had been. I could see perfectly fine, but once I cleaned them, I realized how dirty they actually were.

It reminded me of the lyrics of Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue, which says, “Just when things went right, it doesn’t mean they were always wrong.”

I say all of that to say this, sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong with where we are at right now. Sometimes God just wants something better for us. Or maybe God just wants to give us a different perspective on where we are or what we are looking at/dealing with.

We have all been damaged and scarred in some manner and this impacts our lens and view of life. I would like to think God is leading me on a path where my lens gets cleaner, which cause things to being clearer and hopefully more pure.

Oh, how I could long for an age of innocence right now, but I am afraid those days have indeed passed. Sigh.

Silencing the Inner Judge

Up until last year, I was constantly punishing my mother. She did not raise me, and I had a hard dealing with my negative feelings towards this. Then one day, it hit me. My mother has been punishing herself all of these years. I didn’t need to punish her, she was punishing herself. When I finally had the “I need to stop punishing you for the past conversation,” she told me she deserved it. Nothing could be further from the truth. In the end, all things did work for my good.

I say that to say that: We are our own worst critics. We spend so much time punishing ourselves and speaking negative about ourselves. We really don’t need anyone else to tear us down; we do a good job of discouraging ourselves. But how do we silence our inner judge/critic?

I realize it is the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart where the answer is for me. From there, I can give encouragement and compliments outward to edify someone else.

P.S. I figured out the Wales thing. I will spend an extra night there, which will make it worth the trip. I delayed/extended Edinburgh by one day. I will subtract one night from Belfast. I’m so excited. The countdown is on.

Staying Off the Ledge

This was written for my church newsletter. Volume VIII, Issue III of The PCC Scroll

A few weeks ago, I was on the ledge. I sent Pastor a text that simply said, “I need to make some changes.”

I had been feeling a bit off kilter. In early May, I was able to pinpoint an actual emotion. I was walking home one day when I realized what I was feeling. It could be summed up in one word: restless.

Once I defined the emotion, I blogged (http://latonja.blogspot.com/) about the feeling. In my blog, I was honest. I said that it was not a new emotion for me, but I was able to suppress the feeling most days. I went on to speak of the different directions my life could head in as I reach a crossroads in my life.

I turned 35 in March, and I am having “What is it all about?” moments. It is like Solomon seeking the meaning of life in Ecclesiastes 2. I too felt like I was chasing the wind. We had a windstorm a few days back, and I was not able to catch it. In chapter two, Solomon reminds us that a life seeking pleasure and riches is meaningless. The cure to my restlessness was not traveling, a new job, a new degree, or any other item on my newest “To Do” list.

When the editing team came together to write the Word of the Quarter, I mentioned my sense of restlessness and mused about what it could represent. Minister Jo Ann gave me an image that has helped. She spoke of a mother bird rustling the nest to coax her baby, which had gotten too comfortable, out of the nest and onto the next stage of its life.

The cure to my restlessness is to get over myself and serve God and others in a new way. I have gotten comfortable, fat, and lazy. I am used to doing things in my own time and way.

The truth is that in our humanity, we all struggle with something. At some points in our lives, we all fight battles. At times, we may even feel like we are being overtaken, and I think admitting to these feelings is necessary. In his book The Wounded Healer, Henri J. Nouwen speaks of ministers making their own wounds available as a source of healing. It is in that realness we can be authentic to a world that is suffering.

As I get older, I am more comfortable with being unplugged, honest and transparent. As we minister to broken people, our truth (good, bad, and ugly) coupled with the Good News of Jesus Christ and love will be the most authentic gift we can offer. It is in service to God and our fellow man that life takes shape and gains meaning.

Pass the Kleenex

I am totally not a crier. I will not let myself on any given situation. Case in point, I sat stoic and mad at my sister’s funeral. I just don’t cry very well.

So last Friday, I was just so frustrated with my job, life, and myself that I felt like my soul was crying and it was quite overwhelming.

Then on Sunday, I got on my car to go to church and this song called “Walking Her Home” was on the radio. I managed to back out of my parking space before I started crying. I then watched the video at work on Tuesday and started crying. I printed the lyrics and read them and started crying. There is a song by Brian McKnight called “Marilie” that makes me cry as well.

As far as I can tell the common theme is a man loving a woman with what I consider to be a true, pure, romantic love. I invite you to Google the lyrics.

I would love to have someone feel that way about me.