Blaming the Victim

If you live in the Seattle area, you probably know about the woman who was murdered by a man she had been dating. When the story first broke, the assumption was that it may have been the couple’s first date. As more information was learned, it turns out that they had been dating for at least a month. The crux of the story, for many people, seems to be how they met. They met online.

I have no idea why I sometimes choose to read the comments people make on articles. The comments always end up making me so mad, irritated, and saddened by the lack of compassion people have for their fellow human beings. Who are these people filled with judgement and assurance about what “would a” “should a,” or “could a” happened? So they “would a” done a background check. She “should a” done a background check. She “could a” not let him into her house.

It is such an offense to me. How easy we judge as Monday morning quarterback/coaches. How easy we judge in hindsight about all the clues that would solve the mystery.

I had a conversation with a sister friend about this while taking a walk. We both agreed that this “Peanut Gallery” comment section reeked of blaming the victim. We started talking about rape, and my friend shared an experience she had during her college days. And the response from her community was basically to stop talking about it and let it go.

It was during this moment that I shared with her something I had never shared with anyone else. It’s something that happened to me at the end of my college years. Based on where I lived, it was my senior year in college. I probably would have been 22 and close to graduation. The only response I had sometime afterward was to write a story in third person about what happened between a woman and man.

The short end of it was I was dating a guy. A guy who I had been physically intimate with. One night, he came over, and he wanted to have sex. I did not. I started off by pushing and saying no. But he responded by deflecting and continuing his pursuit of me. At some point, I realized that it didn’t matter what I said or did. It was going to happen regardless and that was the point in time I stopped fighting and just let it happen.

Afterward it didn’t seem like anything was out of the ordinary. He stayed over like he would normally do. We continued to date and be intimate for a period after.

I never called it raped, but when I wrote it in the third person sometime afterward, I think I understood that something was wrong with had transpired.

So 20+ years later, I have to ask myself why I justified what happened to me and never said a word. Why did I justified it? We were dating. He came to my house at night. He and I had been intimate before. He and I were intimate afterward (and that seems so weird to me now). I let him into my house. I should have fought harder. I stopped fighting.

And I have to really ask our society why we blame the victim.

In the case of rape. She was wearing a revealing outfit. She was out late at night. She had been drinking. She was at a party. She can’t be raped by her husband.

If someone is murdered. They were in a gang. They had a criminal background. They were in a bad neighborhood. They were out a club. They were out after midnight.

And the unsaid judgement is that is the victim got what they deserved.

And in the case of the woman who was murdered. That’s why she should not have dated someone she met online. That’s why she should not have let him in her house. That’s why she should have done a background check.

My only conclusion is that we say these asinine comments to make ourselves feel safer. Whatever it is would not happen to us if we did A, B, or C, or we if don’t do X, Y, or Z. This is complete fallacy.

It makes me sad. It makes me angry. And a person who is the victim of a heinous act is attacked all over again.

Men of the Bible - Cain and Abel

The Men of the Bible section  from Volume XV Issue II of the PCC Scroll. The issue continued with the calendar year's overarching theme of "Walking Out Your Purpose" with a theme of "Being a Good Steward."

Name: Abel

Meaning: Breath

His Character: Abel knew what God expected, and he willingly offered the best of what he had to God.

His Sorrow: He was murdered by his jealous brother, Cain.

His Triumph: Abel was a shepherd who took care of the flocks. Since Abel offered his first and best fruit, his sacrifice was accepted by God.

Key Scriptures: Genesis 4

Name: Cain

Meaning: Smith, spear

His Character: Cain did not do what was expected by God. Then he reacted defensively when his offering was not accepted. He reacted to his disappointment by lashing out at his brother instead of taking responsibility for his own lack.

His Sorrow: Cain found the punishment of his actions to be severe. He was forced to leave his home and became a wanderer.

His Triumph: Cain was a farmer by profession and tended the land. Although God placed a curse on his livelihood, God promised to protect him from those who would attempt to harm him. He had a second chance, and he experienced God’s grace and mercy.

Key Scriptures: Genesis 4

Cain and Abel were the sons of Adam of Eve. Cain was the eldest, while Abel was younger. It is very probable that Adam and Eve shared their encounters with God with their sons.

Although Cain and Abel were brothers, they were very different. Both knew what was expected of them. Abel was obedient and gave God what was expected - the first fruit of his labor. Cain, on the other hand, withheld his best. He was then affronted when his offering was rejected by God. What is interesting is that God gave Cain a chance to do what was right. God told Cain he would be accepted if he did what was right. For whatever reason, Cain decided to not do it.

Instead of correcting his attitude or offering, Cain became angry with his brother and slew him. Cain denied any knowledge of Abel’s whereabouts when confronted by God. He was then banished, and his punishment was to become a wanderer. In God’s mercy, God did place a mark on Cain to protect him from retribution from man. Though the earth that Cain once worked would no longer yield any crops for him.

Cain did have a chance to start over. He married, and he started a family. His first son and city were named Enoch, which means consecrated. Although he had to live with his sin, he must have marveled at the grace and mercy of God.

I think it’s easy for us to become jealous or envious when we feel others are accepted more than we are or that others are being elevated and we are not. Cain is an extreme example of the harm that comes from reacting with anger, hatred, or malice. In this case, it led to murder. When we plant seeds of discord against our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are doing the same thing. Any actions out of anger or jealousy always lead to serious harm.

Abel is certainly an illustration of someone who would hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” Like the servants who increased their talents, Abel multiplied what God gave him. He was listed in the Hall of Fame in Hebrews 11, and God approved of the gift he offered.

When we offer the best of our gifts and talents, it must come from our hearts. Abel offered his first fruit and the best. Cain offered to God, but he kept the best for himself. Let us learn from this lesson and be sure to offer God our best. Our time and efforts for God should not be secondary. Like Abel, it should be from the best in us.

FIt for the Kingdom - Your Body as a Temple

The Fit for the Kingdom section  from Volume XV Issue II of the PCC Scroll. The issue continued with the calendar year's overarching theme of "Walking Out Your Purpose" with a theme of "Being a Good Steward."

I have spent the last two years focused on getting and staying healthy and taking care of my body. The results have been amazing. I have lost weight, sleep better, and I have gotten off of the blood pressure medication I had been taking.

While I think most of us want good physical health, I think time sometimes just gets away from us. Our days are packed with so much, and by the time we get home, we are too tired to do anything but vegetate. Then in the morning, when the alarms goes off for us to get up to exercise, we are too tired and opt for that extra sleep.

However, taking care of our bodies and physical health is so important. Our bodies are temples of God after all. So what are some simple ways to take care of your body?

Drink plenty of water

While I prefer a tall glass of cold ice water, it is recommended that water be warm or at room temperature. With cold water, your body uses energy to warm it up, which delays the water actually hydrating. I hear a lot of people say that water is boring. Try adding in strawberries, mint, cucumber, or lemon.

Meditate

We have so many voices and thoughts racing around in our heads, and we have so many distractions. We are, unfortunately, very connected to the Matrix. It would be helpful to find 15 minutes each day to just focus on breathing, clearing the mind, and relaxing. Meditation gives us time to slow down. If we are constantly on the go, we are never quite in the present.

Sleep

Not getting enough sleep is dangerous. It is recommended that you get seven to nine hours of sleep each night. While you are sleeping, your body is repairing and taking care of itself. Be sure to give your body time to do what it’s supposed to do, especially during those times your body is fighting sickness.

Eat right

Make most of what you eat count. Focus on fresh fruits and vegetables, and choose healthy snacks like almonds and cashews. Avoid processed foods, which are high in salt, sugar, and fat. In my mind, the longer the shelf life, the scarier the product. Seriously, I don’t want anything in my body that will still be “fresh” long after I am gone. Obesity, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and Type 2 diabetes are the result of poor diets, which correlates with high weight.

Eat slowly and enjoy your meal. Give your body time to know that you are eating. They say it takes time for your brain to register that you are eating. If you are done too quickly, your brain has not gotten the message. I know I am guilty of speeding tickets while eating. Here’s to slowing down!

Exercise

Exercise not only helps you lose weight, it also helps relieve stress. 20 minutes of walking each day could do wonders. And remember, it doesn’t have to all be at once. Walking 10 minutes during a morning break and 10 minutes during an afternoon break would do the trick. Each time you take the stairs or park far from the entrance, you are adding in a little bit of exercise, and every little bit counts!

Listen to your body

The bottom line is to listen to your body. If you are tired, sleep. If you are hungry, eat (good food). If you are sick, rest. If you feel pain, address it. The body is connected. Pain in one location could be the result of a problem somewhere else.

Please join me in a journey to better health. We not only want long life, we want a healthy life with good quality. Remember your body is a temple to be treated with care, respect, and love.

 

Your Money Matters - Being Creative in Your Giving

The Your Money Matters section  from Volume XV Issue II of the PCC Scroll. The issue continued with the calendar year's overarching theme of "Walking Out Your Purpose" with a theme of "Being a Good Steward."

I realized the article I wrote last quarter is actually quite perfect for this quarter, so I decided to repurpose it! As I mentioned last quarter, giving is something we can all do. Many people jump to finances when thinking about giving, and we can all give financially regardless of how little or much we make. There are also plenty of ways to give beyond finances and plenty of people in need in our community. We can be creative in how we give to the causes or needs we feel the most passionate about.

Homeless

For example, if you feel a calling to help the homeless in our community, there are numerous ways you could help. The help could be done by providing packed breakfasts or lunches once a month in a park. The help could be done by making hygiene kits to give out. The help could also be done by volunteering in a soup kitchen once a week or month. The help could be done by purchasing scarf, glove, and hat sets and taking them to a shelter. Bigger items like sleeping bags, coats, and blankets are also needed during the cold months. You could assist a shelter in doing a drive for these much needed items.

Food Banks

Another way to give to those in need is to give to food banks or bring food to PCC for our ongoing food drive. We joke about “government” cheese, peanut butter, beans, etc., but I can remember eating those things growing up, and they came from a food bank model. I can remember my aunt making macaroni and cheese with government cheese and Top Ramen (I am smiling at this memory). Giving to food banks could be as simple as deciding you are going to spend $5 every week or month to buy canned food, beans, rice, or baby food to help those in need. Individually, it might not seem like a lot, but collectively that is a lot of food! Food banks are especially in need during the summer months and school breaks when children are at home and not getting the free or reduced breakfast and/or lunch they would have normally gotten at school.

Children

Maybe you have a passion for children. You could volunteer your time to read to kids in the hospital. If time is an issue, you could buy books for kids who are in the hospital. You could also donate supplies or books to a school or volunteer your time there in some capacity. If you have children, perhaps you could donate clothes, toys, and books your kids have outgrown to a program that serves children in need.

Services

And remember you can also donate your services. If you are a lawyer, doctor, accountant, life coach, etc. your specialty can be donated to help people who are in need who can’t afford the service. You could also look into donating your talents to nonprofit groups who may not have the staff to do presentations, graphics, etc.

Clothes

It could also be as simple as cleaning out your closet. Perhaps you have clothes that can be donated to Dress for Success.

We may not be millionaires, but I think we all have a lot to give. I would encourage you to make 2016 a year about using your gifts, talents, and resources to serve and give to those in need.

 

Editor's Corner - Being a Good Steward

The Editor's Coner from Volume XV Issue II of the PCC Scroll. The issue continued with the calendar year's overarching theme of "Walking Out Your Purpose" with a theme of "Being a Good Steward."

In my 2015 Christmas letter, I wrote that 2015 was a year where I feel like I was waiting for time to let me out of situations. As you know, time is a funny thing. We are either wanting it to slow down to enjoy the moment or speed up to end a painful season. In the overall scheme of life, time moves very quickly. Each year seems to fly by faster and faster. Yet there are seasons (even in my quickly fading days) that seem to drag on and on and on. I am in the midst of such a season.

The Bible talks about “in due time.” Pointing to the excellency of God’s timing. But I can’t help to think in this current season of my life that my timing and God’s timing are way out of alignment. I can think of a few things I want right now, but the answer seems to be not yet. I find myself continuously asking/whispering, “God,” in a very small voice. There have been a few times in the very near past where this has led to discouragement on my part, as I don’t really handle disappointment that well.

Outside of the faith aspect of realizing I need to trust God’s timing and that God holds my future, I realized I am so focused on a destination that I am forgetting to enjoy the journey. If I were trying to scale Mt. Rainier, would I not take the time to enjoy the changing scenery as I crested higher?

I felt 2015 was a dismal year, but as I wrote my letter, I was reminded of all the good and enjoyable moments. Moments that would have been more poignant if I had not been (in the back of my mind) despairing. I’ve been contemplating how my current situation fits into being a good steward, and my feeling is that it has to do with maximizing where I am now while preparing for where I am trying to go.

So, instead of focusing on what I don’t have/what I want (right now), I need to focus on what I do have and make sure I am maximizing on that. It’s easy to want a house on the hill. But, if I am not taking care of the one-bedroom condo I have now, what makes me think I would be a good steward over more? It’s easy to think more money, more travel, a new job, a relationship, etc. will make me happy. But what I really need to focus on is being grounded in God’s joy, which is most evident while I am working in my gifting (like working on the newsletter).

In the end, it’s easy to want the stars and the moon, but I have to continually ask myself, “Am I willing to pay the cost?” as well as, “What am I doing to prepare?” Things will come in God’s time. In the meanwhile, I do need to be a good steward over what God has placed in my hands now. I firmly believe greater is coming, but I also believe there is a cost and that there is preparation.

Whatever God has placed in your hands, I admonish you to be a good steward in your care of it. God see’s your work, and He will bless you with more in due time. I don’t know about you, but I want more. That means I have to use what I have now and prepare for what is coming!