Week 9

Psalm 16 1Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust. 2O my soul, thou hast said unto the LORD, Thou art my Lord: my goodness extendeth not to thee; 3But to the saints that are in the earth, and to the excellent, in whom is all my delight. 4Their sorrows shall be multiplied that hasten after another god: their drink offerings of blood will I not offer, nor take up their names into my lips. 5The LORD is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot. 6The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage. 7I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. 8I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. 9Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope. 10For thou wilt not leave my soul in hell; neither wilt thou suffer thine Holy One to see corruption. 11Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

For me to say that I am in a weird place is the understatement of the year. Last night, I was able to accept my current state and be glad in it. I met with the two other editors of the PCC Scroll to write the “Word of the Quarter.” They are both ministers and one of them is my pastor’s wife and a solid mother figure in my world. I had to confess to them that I needed them to lead the process because didn’t feel in tuned to what God was saying.

As the evening progress, I told them how disengaged I felt. I’m having a hard time engaging with people, which makes me sad. Relationships are so very important to me. It seemed like a direct contradiction to be in during my current state of withdrawal and retreat. I also explained to them that my weekly devotional process. They assured me that it was a normal part of the process. There are times when God “separates” us so we won’t get distracted and we can focus on Him and His voice. My main problem is that I get impatient with listening to God’s voice. When I am in conversation with friends, I get an immediate response. I would imagine a conversation where the other person took five minutes to respond to my question or comment very strange indeed. So, with my prayers, I say what I have to say, and then I stop and want God to speak the next second. Unfortunately for me, it hasn’t quite worked out that way.

I choose Psalm 16 because it is a Psalm of Hope. I will rest in the hope that this is only a season. I will rest in the hope that God is doing something in me that will make me a better friend, colleague, and overall citizen. I rest in the hope that He who has begun a good work in me will perform it. I rest in the hope that God hasn’t given up on me and is attempting to mature me. I rest in the hope that I will get over my feelings of discomfort and see the journey through. I rest in the hope that verse eleven will be fulfilled, “Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.”

My prayer today is that I will take the time to listen to the voice of God. If I can give a movie two hours of my time, I can give God more than five minutes to speak to me. I also pray that the relationships that concern me will be better and stronger. I pray that God will keep me in the fire, and I will adjust to the heat and become purified.

Week 8

Colossians 3:12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

I started the year off with wanting to be a “better person.” In my mind, I know what this means, but it isn’t easy to put it clearly on paper.

As I have been doing my weekly devotional day, I try to keep this in mind. In my day-to-day interaction with people, it’s hard dealing with folks sometimes. I have always considered myself a compassionate person. My temper, when it rises, deflates as quickly as it came. I try to be kind, but sometimes people mistake kindnesses for weakness and I have to battle the part of me that wants to body slam them. Humility, will if I say I am humble, then doesn’t that mean I am not. I try to be gentle and patient.

I keep deleting the next paragraph I am trying to write. Has someone every hurt you and you reacted to that hurt. Because you knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, you apologized at them for lashing out, but they remain “unrepentant” and seemingly unaware of their part of the problem? It’s like your apology to them is interpreted as they we were the one initially wronged? I find this so irritating, but God keeps telling me that I have done my part and to let it go. But I want to rage and ask when will their offense to me be dealt with? I hope that came out right.

Every since I started this process, things have been sort of weird. When I prayed yesterday during my fast, I couldn’t even get out what I was trying to say out. I believe that God knows what I am trying to say even if I can’t get it out right. One of the many things I appreciate about God is that he knows my heart even when I can’t get the words out.

I wish that this current season would pass, but I know the process is trying to get me to a new place where I can be a person who walks in God’s love.

Week 7

For week seven, I read 1 Corinthians 13 which was fitting considering Valentine’s Day was yesterday. I like this scripture because it tells me what love is.

As I was thinking about the scripture, I remembered two things from my past that involved the same person. He was a friend of mine. Our friendship was reaching its end point, and I was emotionally exhausted after so many ups and downs in our friendship.

We were in a heavy conversation, and he told me he loved me. I remember blurting out, “No you don’t.” Of course, he was offended and got angry. But, the truth was that based on his actions, I knew that he did not love me. He was not kind. He was not humble. He was not consideration. He did not give.

Towards the very end, he told me he loved me. I was silent, and he asked me if I had heard him, and said yes. Then, he got frustrated of course.

Love is an action. It doesn’t put me down or put me in my place. It doesn’t hurt or belittle me. It isn’t threatened by my success or accomplishments. It doesn’t take advantage of my emotions or attachment.

I am very careful who I tell I love them. I have had people tell me they love me and then walk at the slightest provocation. That is not the type of love I want to receive or give. I think it’s so important to tell the people who you love that you love them. I think it’s equally as an important to understand what that means and mean it.

I think back to people I have loved, but my love wasn’t mature, which is unfortunate. There is a maturity that is needed to manifest the love described in verses 4-8. I just pray I get there!

Week 6

Psalm 34:13-14 reads, “Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile. Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.”

I can’t think of the word to describe how my life has been since I began my day of consecration each week. On one hand, it’s seems like a constant battle has been raging. On the other hand, I am pretty laid back about the current chaos. I guess I expected it.

I am determined to seek peace and pursue it. I can’t allow myself to be lured into conversations and situations that are more damaging than edifying – no matter how attractive the package looks.

There are times when my imagination takes off, and I find that I am losing interest in some situations I was hung up on in the past. Whatever attraction I felt in the past, seems to be waning, which is actually a good thing. Part of it is that I am removing my rose-colored glasses with people. This is actually good because it frees them from the pedestal I placed them on. They become human, which is all they really were anyway. The romantic twist and pull ends, and it’s easier to make a rational decision without the emotions interfering.

I do wonder how one can remain silent in a relationship. If my goal is keep my tongue from evil and by lips from speaking guile, then I suppose I have to be intentional on whom I seek relationship and conversation with.

I have to admit that my thoughts are all over the place. I have serious questions about where I am supposed to be. Who am I supposed to be in relationship with? It hurts to see and feel relationships change and involve. And my question remains of whether I am supposed to fight to retain or just simply let life and time alter them?

There is an old song with following lyrics:

“Oh lord I want you to help me
Oh lord I want you to help me
help me on my journey, help me on my way
Oh lord I want you to help me”

This is how I feel, but I am not sure what to pray for.

Week 5

Philippians 4:8: Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Philippians 4:8 is my daily devotional. If I could keep this scripture as my mantra (along with 1 Peter 4:8) in my daily walk, things could go a lot smoother.

Unfortunately, it seems to be human nature to do the exact opposite.

There are so many negative messages and intent in our society, which is extremely sad. I find it odd when people take delight in the misfortune, hurt, and pain of others. It causes a part of me to retreat deeper into my own mind and world.

I’ve been thinking about Lent, and perhaps a good exercise for me during Lent would be to pray the Philippians and 1 Peter scriptures daily. I would like for them to seep into my subconscious and become the beat I walk to.

It is a challenge to think on the good things when people are so intent on spreading chaos. I am at the point where I feel like I am supposed to keep to myself and my own council. However, I firmly believe that we were meant to walk in community as a body of Christ. So, it’s a matter of being selective of who I walk with.

Today has been a little difficult to me. I should not find it strange that I am being challenged. I keep reminding myself I have to fight. It’s hard to love people sometimes, but I know what love can do.

My prayer today is simple. God, help me to remember to focus on what is good. Help me to turn my ear when people spew negative comments. As the scripture says, let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight!

Week 4

I love words. In the last month, I’ve heard the following prayer of St. Augustine’s a few times, “Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet.” I also heard a quote by Pope Gregory VII, “I have loved justice and hated iniquity: therefore I die in exile.” I like them both for different reasons. In my mind, there is a place where these quotes meet.

I can totally understand what Augustine is saying and why he is saying it. There are things I want from God and things I know I should do for God, but based on limitations from my thorn of humanity, I whisper not yet! I like Pope Gregory because I understand how lonely it can feel to do what is right.

In thinking of this, I used Romans 7:16-21 as my devotional. I wasn’t sure if it was a good choice because it’s one of the most confusing texts in the Bible. I get what he is saying, but he says it in a very strange, round about manner.

16If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
17Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
18For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
19For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
20Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
21I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.

My prayer is that I always remember that sin can easily befall me. In the right temptation, situation, circumstance, opportunity, etc., I could easily go astray. As I continued praying, I asked God to help me choose good when faced with evil. The truth is there are times when I might not want to do the right thing. I could easily make a mistake and sin.

My thoughts turned to my cousin Brett, who drowned in 1999. He would have turned 31 yesterday (24th). My aunt’s birthday was the 2nd. Strange. During Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought about my aunt quite a bit. One thing I have always admired about my aunt is she was a very giving person. During the holidays, I remember she always made tons of extra foods and desserts. She would send plates, cakes, and pies to people who were not mobile or didn’t have someone to cook for them.

Week 3

For my week three devotional, I read Psalm 15, which reads as follows:

1Lord, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?
2He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.
3He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.
4In whose eyes a vile person is contemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not.
5He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved.

In my quest to “be a better person” the only thing I can do is place the spotlight on me. As I was praying, I realized that if I spoke the truth and did not backbite, there are a lot of things I need not worry about. The least is being caught up in, “He said, she said.”

Speaking the truth seems easy enough. It’s much easier than having to cover your tracks to cover your lies. The truth has a way of coming out anyway. Sometimes people tell half truths, and having been told half truths I realize that the receiver knows something is missing. So, my prayer in this area was simple. Lord, help me to be a truth teller. It’s better to just remain silent if I can’t answer the question. In my close relationships, trust is important. If people can’t/don’t expect me to tell the truth, it doesn’t say much about my character.

The other thing is gossip. Gossip is one of those shady areas where sometimes my own curiosity (ok nosiness) sometimes gets the better of me. The truth be told, I don’t want to be known as a gossip. Lately, I’ve tried to take an “I don’t know want to know approach.” The truth is there are times when I do want to know. Then, after I know, I realize I was better off not knowing.

It’s one of those things were I don’t want anyone saying I said ABC, especially if I didn’t say it. But, if I am known as a gossip, then people would be inclined to believe the lie. However, if I am known to not engage in gossip, my character would speak for itself. Basically, when my ear is inclined to lean in and listen to gossip, it’s my clue to incline my ear in the other direction.

I want to be worthy of dwelling in God’s Holy Hill. I will sometimes look over and see what other people are doing and feel myself want to slip. It's like what's the point, but I have to keep my eye on God's Holy Hill. Narrow is the way.